The ARMC
Two anxiety ridden Moms and professionals taking on life and work. We've come together to talk about it all and formed The Anxiety Ridden Moms Club or ARMC for short. Welcome to our show, we look forward at what's to come. Thank you for joining us every week for a new episode.
The ARMC
Marriage, Anxiety, and Finding Connection When You're Both Exhausted
Season two of the Anxiety-Ridden Moms Club delves into the messy realities of relationships in motherhood, examining how partnerships transform when anxiety, children, and life's stressors enter the picture.
• Communication challenges when anxiety triggers shutdown or explosive reactions
• The importance of self-reflection and walking to process relationship frustrations
• How insecurities can fuel relationship conflicts and parenting challenges
• Navigating blended family dynamics when co-parenting with an ex
• Creating boundaries with children through clear communication and contracts
• Making time for intimacy and connection despite exhaustion and busy schedules
• Balancing individual growth with partnership development
• Relationships require effort from both parties to avoid the "roommate phase"
• Accepting that relationships have seasons and messy periods aren't failures
Share your stories with us on Instagram, TikTok or join our Sunday night confessions, and don't forget to subscribe and leave us a review. It helps other moms find our village.
Welcome back to the Anxiety-Ridden Moms Club, season two baby, we're still anxious, still thriving-ish, and this season we're diving deep into one of the most complicated, beautiful and straight-up messy parts of motherhood.
Speaker 2:Relationships the ones that lift us up, the ones that drain us and the ones that change when motherhood hits like a wrecking ball. From ride-or-die friendships to awkward playdate moms, from supportive partners to the ones who just don't get it, we're unpacking it all Because motherhood doesn't just reshape your body, it reshapes your people, and sometimes you outgrow folks, sometimes you build a village you never had.
Speaker 2:We're talking about boundaries, support systems, love languages, mom guilt and learning to unapologetically put yourself first If your group chat is your therapy, if your toddler is your toxic coworker or if your idea of date night is hiding in the pantry with snacks, this season is for you.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about it, let's laugh, cry, confess and build this messy, anxious loving village together. Welcome to season two of the Anxiety-Ridden Moms Club. Welcome back to season two of the Anxiety-Ridden Moms Club.
Speaker 2:I'm Kylie and I'm Gina, and today we're diving into a big one marriage and partnership in motherhood. Whether you're married, remarried, dating, divorced or somewhere in between, this episode's for you.
Speaker 1:Both of us know this journey from different angles. We've been divorced, we've struggled, we've rebuilt. Gina's been remarried for 22 years, which is amazing, and I've been in a long-term relationship for three years. That well, let's just say, has its set of challenges.
Speaker 2:Girl, we're keeping it real here. No Instagram highlight real, just raw, honest talk.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it. All right, here we go, here we go, so with anxiety, obviously. Something that repeated all through through season one was reiterating the importance of communication.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I definitely struggle, which I know. This is hard, probably hard for some people to to hear when they're listening to this, because sometimes and in some situations I have a big mouth and I can't shut up. Um, but you no.
Speaker 2:I don't even believe that. Yes.
Speaker 1:And. But I think when it comes to my relationship or, or you know, some relationships, romantically and and otherwise, I like to shut down. Shut down is and I think it's a result of the anxiety when I feel super anxious or super overstimulated One of two things that's going to happen. I'm either going to shut down and retreat and not talk at all, or I lose my ever loving mind and everyone should run scared Like there's no in between. I'm very hot or cold, and I blame a lot of that on my anxiety, because I just don't. It's almost like I just don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling. And, um, I was in therapy for a short time and I should probably go back.
Speaker 2:Okay. Well, let's start with that. What did your therapist say before when you went? Any suggestions or ideas that were given to you then?
Speaker 1:Yes, I've probably forgotten a lot of them, but it is. Did you pay attention? I did, and she gave me books. I need to go back and read some of the books that she gave me.
Speaker 2:See, this is where I told you before I wouldn't read them. If somebody told me here, read some books, this will make you feel better. I'm never going to open that book.
Speaker 1:Clearly I didn't. I didn't, um, you know, obviously we got to the root of me feeling self-conscious about a lot of things, um, but also just that it's a, it's a safety mechanism for me. Is that I just I shut down and just stop talking because I'm protecting myself, I guess, but it is not healthy for for my relationship, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yes, that would not be healthy. Well, it's not healthy if you're running hot and cold anyway. So if you are shutting down to the point you don't talk, it doesn't get anywhere, which has kind of more been my go-to. I'm probably one of those same things. I'm one that would be more of a I just stopped talking and then until I get to a point where I will go to an explosion. But I really I'm trying to never get there.
Speaker 2:So it depends on how much somebody continues and continues, and continues. You know what I mean. It takes a lot to get me there, I feel like, but when I'm there, then it's hard to get out of it. I think that's true of anybody. Once you are really angry, I think it's hard to get your mind back in order. But I do definitely feel that that is the thing that you have. Everybody has to practice and it's I mean it's work Right.
Speaker 2:And I mean again, I'll say this like I have before I am no therapist. I can just say that I've experienced plenty of things in my life and ultimately, even from being married before and then married again, and then, of course, any other relationships you have. Just like you said, people in general, whatever I do know that I tend to shut down and then I really would rather sometimes I'd just be left alone. Somebody just stops talking to me. But I will say I did that a lot more during my first marriage. I even feel like, and then I would explode faster.
Speaker 2:I think it was kind of like I was a lot more during my first marriage. I even feel like, and then I would explode faster. I think it was kind of like a I was a little more similar to what you would say, like I think I kind of shut down and then I would kind of flip out. And I think it really came down to just paying attention to myself and learning myself and then figure out what can calm me down or what can give me.
Speaker 2:Maybe I do need that break, that shutdown moment, but what can I do to get it? And then you gotta talk to your partner about it and I think that that's where, with my husband Tom, I think that we went through a lot too, like just in early marriage, I think, just from having kids and blending a family and ex-spouses and all the drama that comes with all of that. So I just feel like we had to talk about it a lot and he's definitely much more of. He goes from zero to a hundred at like lickety split, and so for me that was hard because I'm like, can we just shut down for a while and then I'll scream at you later Like I think Tom and I have a lot of similarities.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, cause he just like he's going at you, it's a, it's a hundred miles an hour. It's. I'm not getting any catching any breaks by any means, but I do think I had to, to even helping our relationship as well. I mean, it had to be where I took that moment to think of what is it that sets me off and what can I do myself to calm it down? My own mind, cause, like reality of it is, once you get into that mode, it's, it is hard to get it to stop you know, and that's it's a very thin line.
Speaker 1:I feel like I do retreat and I shut down, but my the thoughts in my head don't. And so when I'm sitting there or I'm trying to step away from the situation, whatever it is, maybe it's in my room, maybe it's whatever the thoughts in my head and then I'm just like explosive because I have to get what's in my head out.
Speaker 2:Well, don't you think, a lot of times I mean I haven't sat back and think about, especially I mean since I'm, you know, at the age I am now. I mean you learn so many things throughout the years and I feel like a lot of times, a lot of arguments do just stem from insecurities.
Speaker 2:I mean 1000%. It just comes down to insecurities. So I think we always feel like you know, worry about what people are doing, what they're up to, what they're thinking, and then our own negative thoughts that we can have in our heads anyways about ourselves. Which is one thing I can say that I think was really good for me when I got with Tom was the fact that he's always been somebody who went to the gym on a regular basis and I never did. I mean, it just was not my thing and so I never was going to stop him from doing it. But he would go ahead and go five days a week for sure, and during that time, sometimes after a while, I sat there thinking he's literally going to the gym and I'm just sitting here like watching TV. Maybe I should do something with myself. So I started walking the neighborhood, um, and I actually brought, I got more energy, I just felt better.
Speaker 2:I think in general it gave me time to start realizing it was a good time for me to like, uh, think out those thoughts. You know what I mean. Like it's a time to really reflect on me. I can even say, you know, anybody can always go to, even a past relationship or marriage, whatever it may be, and you can blame everybody else all day long, I can sit and point the finger at each other, but for me, I really, truly felt like if I didn't stop and point the finger back at myself, how could I ever be better for somebody else? So if I don't fix me because, no matter what, even if it's a, even if you're with somebody and you're just like, yeah, we're just not made for each other which I think is a lot of times what happens You're just not a compatible couple and that's why it ends up in divorce. It's just wasn't the right mix.
Speaker 2:But to be more compatible and a better spouse and a better person, I think that was the time that I really stopped and walked and thought about what it is that I contributed to.
Speaker 2:That was negative, what emotions that I had. That were, you know, more out of control, that I needed to control, and I really talked myself through a lot of it and it made me really realize, like even the little things. You know, when I had Austin, we talked about how he vomited all the time, and you know he was a sickly kid. Well, because I never was doing myself up, I was just kind of whatever, threw my hair up, put on an old t-shirt, raggedy old shorts, cause he's going to vomit all over me anyways, right, but I kind of realized that it got maybe very comfortable in that. And then I sit and I think, well, why would a spouse? Because, as women anyways, I sit and I think that I tell my kids this all the time, especially girls are horrible about this. We all watch the romantic movies. The man who rides up on a white horse yes it carries you away, right that.
Speaker 2:and then we're going to marry him and we're in love and we're gonna be happy for the rest of our lives. Okay, let's get some reality. Do you know? You have to like this person for probably around 60, 65 years, 60 to 65,. I have to like the same person every day for 60 to 65.
Speaker 2:I mean, when you really think about it, there's a lot more that goes into that than he's so dreamy and he just pulled up in a Rolls Royce. I mean, like you have to have, you have to work on that and you have to be something that they want to be with and attracted to for years and years and years. So how do I make sure that my husband's attracted to me and what do I need to do? And you know, I just I don't know. I did a lot of that. I did a lot of that. I did a lot of thinking and I will say that I not to say I don't.
Speaker 2:I believe me, I have days I bum around the house, don't get me wrong, I had plenty of those but at the same time, I think I definitely made sure that I didn't have where weekends became the time of me to be a complete shit bum, like I still want my husband to be like, you know, walk me, walk, watch, walk past and be like, oh, you know, like hey, baby. So I really think and you started walking and it's a great, I'm telling you, it's a great time to you really need to stop back and take a look at yourself from somebody else's eyes and then think about what. What can you work on and be better? And it's not because you just want to be better for somebody else. I mean it's really makes it better for you, right, I mean truly. But in general it makes you better for a relationship too.
Speaker 1:I'm going to have to start going on two walks, because I really enjoy going with my mom and my aunt. I'm going to have to do one in the afternoon where I just unwind and get those thoughts out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and maybe just do a shorter walk, you know. But that's your time of a self-reflection walk. Get a break from just like the day to day. I think we need a break anyways from the chaos of work and the kids and the cooking and the cleaning and the having that relationship. We need that 15 minutes sometimes just to self-reflect and yeah, and, and working from home, that can.
Speaker 1:That can be a thing too. Like when's the last time I took a shower? It's like no one. You know what I mean. They see me on camera.
Speaker 1:I put a couple of curls in the front of my head and call it a day, right, um, so yeah, and honestly, I think for me is that I I I do have high standards and I get so frustrated with people. Like there are people out there in the world with with no potential. I apologize if you're one of those people, but there are people out there that truly just maybe don't get it or don't have that, I don't know. But then there are people that have, have the potential but choose not to use it and I get so frustrated and I hope Brad doesn't get mad at me, but he is the smartest, kindest, loving human being but sometimes I think he gets in his own head so much where he I don't know where that that stuff doesn't, it doesn't come out, it doesn't shine, and I don't know if that's you know again because of what's going on in his own head and what. But like that's when I can't be controlled, like you have potential and I want to shake you because you can do anything that you want to do. You just have to want it. And when he wants something, he does it and he goes above and beyond and he does it almost to the point of obsessively, which is another, which is another piece of this, but it's, it's.
Speaker 1:It's that it's when you have the potential and you don't use it and I get so frustrated and it comes out and all of all of the wrong ways. You know we were yelling at each other when you got here this morning, but yeah, it's those situations where I know you've got it and as a manager, that's how I was too, like if you just weren't smart and you were never going to get it, like I didn't, it didn't bother me. I would move people around and I would find a good position for them and for their skillset. But it's the ones that you know have the potential but they just don't do anything with it. And I need to figure out how to effectively communicate that instead of tearing him down, because that's where I feel like I get to the point where I'm like why are you like this? You could be better, but I can be better at communicating my thoughts and feelings.
Speaker 2:It's an improvement, I think, for for two parties, I mean realistically. A lot of times, if you like, I even find it's it's always interesting to me to like when I was managing people, that if they did something and I would even just tell them you don't even know how proud I am of you, whether because it doesn't matter for them, if it even like even what you're saying like to you or something OK, like this is, you're like. That person maybe doesn't have the potential to go as far as somebody else, but yet even they did something small for them that might be a big deal, and so I would really like always let them know that I'm really proud of them for whatever steps that they take.
Speaker 2:So if something does something positive, I don't think we always tell people that yeah, I think we're more focused on telling you what you did wrong or why didn't you do something, compared to uplifting I I mean really what you do speak out into the world kind of does come around. You know what I mean. So, like if you speak life into something, people even do this on plants. You know, I spoke to my plant every day and told it it was beautiful, it was going to grow to be huge.
Speaker 1:He is going to love editing this episode.
Speaker 2:He's gonna be like that's what I've been telling you, but it's hard and if it's not your go-to thing, that's not a problem. What the problem is is, can you work on it to do that? But is he also willing to work on himself? So, like two people have to work on themselves. I mean Tom today, compared to Tom when he was first with me, is he's still, you know, zero to a hundred, but he's not zero to a hundred as quickly and he's not um, I don't know, like I think also it's it's insecurities. We also don't have the insecurities in our relationship that we did early on. You know what I mean. So, like I think anybody, when you're first, especially now, which, thank God, like I'm so happy that I'm with my husband and been there this long Cause I don't want to internet date or do that stuff because they would make me nervous Do you know that I had when I, after I got through my divorce and I truly think with with my marriage, that we were.
Speaker 1:We just weren't compatible at some point and there are obviously outside factors and people that are close to me know. And online dating.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:I. So after my divorce, I had tinder for 48 hours twice. Um, the first time I was like you know what this isn't like, this isn't bad. This isn't bad because, seriously, you're having conversations and then somebody's like I'm married. Did you read in my bio that I'm married? We're just looking for a third? And I was like what is this? Yeah, and it scared me. And then I got off. But I got off of Tinder. Let's make that clear.
Speaker 1:Online dating is so hard. Like you're scared you're going to end up in a shipping container? Yeah, everything happens. Btw, the communication doesn't necessarily happen through the dating. Like, yes, you swipe left you swipe, right, obviously that's Tinder, but they're all the freaking same. Yeah, swipe left you swipe, right, but then it's, can I get your Snapchat? Insane. Yeah, swipe left you swipe, right, but then it's, can I get your Snapchat? And so then it moves on to Snapchat. So I hate Snapchat. Personally, I have it because I track my kids through Snapchat and, um, also track what my kids are doing via Snapchat, but I don't actively use it any anymore. But then it moves on to Snapchat and it's like anything that any conversations that you have to have, that there's no proof of ever happening. I just feel like that's a recipe for it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a recipe for disaster.
Speaker 1:Um, and so I use Snapchat very, very little, but everything in the online dating world that goes from the site to Snapchat and the things people ask you or say about like it is just freaking bizarre. Um, so I actually met Brad's obvious the, the place you and I both worked. Um, we were in Tampa. I had a convention and that's where he was. He was living at the time, so I met him in Tampa and, um, we've been together, going on three years and, like I mentioned, like it's it's not perfect. We're learning, we're growing and something that we're going to get into probably in a later episode, and I and I just asked him this morning if he would mind kind of sitting in with us and having a conversation, because I think relationships with substance and substance abuse is is something that's going to fit into this season.
Speaker 1:Yep Um because he lost his mom? Um, he was supposed to be playing college football and instead of going to college, he was taking care of his mom with cancer and um, from the stories that he tells, like he's, he survived that to the best of his ability and he lived with his, his um grandparents, and then he lost his grandpa and then he lost his grandma, and that's when he? Um got into a relationship with alcohol. That is um something to this day that that we struggle with, and there have been um lots of moments that he has given into that addiction and that's when our relationship is has really, you know, taken some serious nosedives Um, and so he's he's doing all of the right things. He is six months sober Um he's making good awesome.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:He's making good decisions and good choices and I'm so proud of that, but inside my head lives the what ifs? It lives the are you, the questioning, every single move and decision, and that alone has definitely hurt our relationship, and so it's something that if we're committed to making this work, then he has to be committed to remaining sober for the rest of his life, and I have to be committed to working on myself to quiet those little voices, because they are there and they are there all the freaking time and, like I said, six months sober. I'm so freaking proud of them, but that doesn't change the things that have happened and I have to work through that in my own.
Speaker 2:Right, well, and you also have to work on things I mean together. You have to have things that you work on separately, because everybody has their own journeys in certain ways. And then you also have to find time that you you know that 15 minute walk like we talked about that you work on yourself. Sometimes you have an additional body. Maybe go for that 15, another, you know, maybe on a couple of days a week that person joins you to talk about some of that stuff. You know what I mean. How did the week go? Where kind of are both our heads? What are? Is it that we can? What do we both need to work on individually? You know what I mean. And it's to be a positive kind of a time.
Speaker 2:I think that, like, it's kind of like, you know, they even say like a lot of couples should have, you know, date nights. Now I have different people who have different opinions of how often some people say once a week you have to have a date night. Some people, you know, feel it's different. I feel like you have to have at least, you know, you just at least have to have that 30 minutes of a connection time, if you can, as often as you can, if not daily. You know like I just feel like there always has to be a quiet time to spend to I don't know check in with each other, kind of. You know what I mean. I think that I think relationships are hard. I don't care who you pick or what. I think that it's, they're hard.
Speaker 1:And it's like I said, you have to like this person for 60 or 65 years, but if you, if you truly love this person, for me I'm thinking that's not a long time.
Speaker 2:Like well, when you really were, when you're working towards the right goals together, right, and if you, I mean so, here's the thing I could tell you like I mean I should have lost my husband right To all of his heart attacks, and it was that's even. I've always talked about the 60 to 65 years and then, all of a sudden, the reality was in my face. I mean I might, you know, I might not get to have that luxury with him, which I mean obviously we weren't gonna have the 60 or 65, probably anyways, cause we were a little bit older when we met. But at the same time, it's just, I just think that it's reality that you really don't know how long you have with every person that you pick. So, pick the person that you do feel has enough of the qualities that balance you, that helps you, that's positive in your life. Everybody has crap. I mean everybody's. Everybody's got crap. I don't care who you are.
Speaker 2:Nobody's perfect, everybody's going to be a pain in the ass. Everybody's going to leave their shoes in the spot that you can't stand. I mean, whatever it is, um, that there is no such thing as like a perfect relationship. But you can turn your relationship into something perfect for you. So my relationship I mean Tom and I talk about this all the time because we'll talk about, you know, different situations, different people's homes, let's say, or relationships or whatever, and but we always go back at the end. We always finish up with saying, as much as I could say, I don't want maybe that personal relationship, they probably don't want mine. You know what I mean. Like we're different people, we function differently, we do things differently. That means I'm not meant for all these different people and he's not meant for all these different. You know what I'm saying. Like we worked on something together.
Speaker 2:To our kids, Everybody always even says to like okay, when you have kids, it's all about the children. You have to give a hundred percent to your children. Do you do realize that your children grow up and leave your ass Like that is just reality? They grow up and what your hopes and dreams should be is that they grow up to find a wonderful person they spend their life with, have grown their own families and that is their number one family. So that's, you're not number one anymore. So your spouse that you're with has to be.
Speaker 2:And look at all the relationships nowadays too that you see that like they were married for 25 years and now they're divorced what the hell you seriously like sat in marriage for 25 years that you weren't even probably that happy with because of the children, and now you just have each other.
Speaker 2:And now you realize, like we didn't even work on that, we were too busy working on the kids, and now people get divorced because they need to find themselves and they grew apart, and you know what I mean. There's so many variables of why things can go wrong. You have to just pick somebody that you feel has enough balance that can you work on it to make it better, Because one day it will be you and that person. Because your kids are going to grow up and find the loves of their life and they're going to have their own. They're gonna be busy, they're going to be working, they're gonna have their kids, they're gonna have sports for their kids. You hope to be a part of all that, but you're not. You're going to see them every day of the week.
Speaker 1:I do and I will admit to having um, I struggle with that, especially when you're talking about blended families but also just the dynamic of the kids' dad and I feel I constantly feel in this battle like of who's the most important and for me there's like this stress or this pressure, like if and when they are mad at me or don't like something, like they run to their dad, like I have this cloud over me of like always being the bad guy, like I'm also the one who has always consistently paid the bills.
Speaker 1:I've showed up, I've always had the insurance, I've always done all of you know I've always done all of these things, but I am the one that also takes the beating. I feel like and that lives in my head and so that gets, that gets in the way even to uh, of my relationship and and and when we talk about blended families and different things like that, like there's a whole nother dynamic of that. When you know there've been times where we've had to have conversations with with Wyatt, like not everything needs to be repeated to your father, not everything that happens in this house Do you have to tell your father. So that adds an entire like layer of this communication piece that is. That is just hard. So you know, at some point we're going to have to dive into, you know, the blended family piece but I would definitely there's a lot that goes.
Speaker 2:There's a lot that goes into that and I and I, and I can tell you, I mean I'm extremely fortunate in my blended situation, but there's a lot that goes into making it be a working, functional situation, for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1:And even as far as like parenting goes, there are things where brad's like oh my gosh, like you have to draw a line in the sand, you have to have a boundary here, and I'm like yeah, well, they're just gonna fucking call their dad anyway.
Speaker 1:So, like it's this constant you know what I mean and there's, it will create a riff kind of between him and I, because I'm like I'm balancing this. This is a, this a. I'm walking on a, a, a balance beam, it feels like because and I'm not saying that I let my kids walk all over me by, you know, by any means, but yeah, there are some days I'd like to parent a little bit differently or harder, but I'm also I don't know, I guess in layman's terms I'm not trying to push them to their dad today.
Speaker 2:I don't want to right, don't want it yeah.
Speaker 1:So I got, I got a lot again. I should probably go to therapy.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think sometimes it's comes down to um having discussions with your kids, even about the boundaries, like, okay, like I can tell you, like I can tell you one time, casey, you know my wonderful, I love you, casey.
Speaker 1:Oh, here we go.
Speaker 2:He was one that you know, always push limits, so I always found punishments for him, which were always very entertaining to me. Whatever, however, I punished him, but I one time made him even sign a contract with me and he ripped me one on that one. He was like what kind of a mother would make somebody sign a contract? And I'm like the kind of mother that has a son who's a pain in the ass and doesn't like we can have this discussion and it just goes in one ear, not the other. So now you know you've signed your name. We both agree this is how this works and it honestly God for him, it really helped.
Speaker 1:What was this what?
Speaker 2:was in this contract. It was just kind of really. I mean, it was so many years ago, I can't even remember exactly what we wrote, but it was simply about something that he was to be doing and taking care of. And then, you know, it's just kind of a life contract about how, you know, these are kind of the rules and it was simple. I don't I'm not a list of 25 rules. I'm really a very laid back mom, like, really, if you're a good kid, I think, like you know, I've said before, I mean, be you, do you what you want to do? So it was just simply.
Speaker 2:You know, he was just an ass a lot of times, mainly to his brother, tommy, um, but I it was just one of those things where I'd gotten to my limits with him. I just he would just push your buttons to the point of like I don't know what else to talking to him Wasn't making a difference. So that's when I said we're going to sit down, we're going to write down, like basically, just how to act like a normal person be, respectful to each other is the gist of what the contract was, and so we both signed it.
Speaker 2:He thought it was absolutely the stupidest thing, but it truly, like, helped us because it made him, I think, committed more to it and understand, and he agreed to it. You know what I mean. Like, like, like, a lot of times he'd do something wrong and I would just ask him well, what do you think fits the punishment? I mean, what do you think it is? You know, punishment fits the crime. We got to do what's right, and one time you know it was he decided cleaning all my toilets was going to be what was a good one and it was fitting for what he did, you know. So, like, we just were creative.
Speaker 1:So with the punishment in the contract, like if you? Don't you will clean the toilets with a toothbrush. Yes.
Speaker 2:Got it. I like that. So he understood like I'm not being unreasonable. He was, but it kind of put it in paper and I think it made him even realize like I made him a part of things. I did a lot with all the kids. You know Tommy was the one that for sure he always I just made him clean. That was like his punishment ever, like he just cause he hated cleaning anything. So you know, it would just be that they have to be a part of that.
Speaker 2:I think that the kids sometimes need to understand you do have two separate homes and they should feel like when they're here, this is their family, this is a safe place at this home. When they go to their dads, that's their home when they're there and that should be a safe place for them there. So unless you have dysfunction in any of those and I know that there's lots of stories with lots of problems and I can't talk on that so much but at the same time, as long as you're in a situation with your kids that they're safe with their dads and safe here, they need to understand that this should be their family here and that should be their family there and that we need to find out how, what's the best way that makes them feel comfortable in that blended situation. But I do think that's for sure. Like we got a whole episode, we can talk about a blended families for sure.
Speaker 1:Cause there's a lot.
Speaker 2:I think that goes into that to make it successful and make the kids happy. But it does affect your relationship and that's why I say if you don't work on your relationship the most, it's going to be why you have even more struggles when it comes to the kids and the balancing act that you're in. So you have to make sure you and your home and yourself are happy and stable and in your mind and does that will make it all? You'll just find it just makes it better. Just those small things that I even said you can do, like honest to God, can make a world of difference in your parenting and you'd be shocked how it just seems things just shift.
Speaker 1:For sure. And, and you know, sharing the labor and the load, like I just kind of mentioned, like I'm always, I've always been the default parent, the one who has to take care of the business. And now I even get frustrated because I'm like, oh, of course your dad did that, because you know he's the fun guy. He gets to do all the fun things and I'm right, I'm the asshole all the time, right, and that gets exhausting. That gets exhausting.
Speaker 2:But sometimes I think kids, especially the ages you're at, you can talk to them about it. It's time to sit down as a family in your home as a family to talk about that stuff. You know there's things that we all have to do to make a household work and there's things that they sometimes can help to contribute so that it's not as stressful and again, in general makes it better for them.
Speaker 1:That's it, everyone's getting a contract. General makes it better for them. You know that's it. Everyone's getting a contract. They will be. This household is all going to be on signed contracts by the end of the day, let me tell you. So let's get, let's get a a little bit deeper. Maybe, I don't know, this gives me hives even talking about it, but you know, let's talk about how stress, kids and anxiety kill intimacy. Sometimes it feels like roommates instead of romantic partners around here. Life is busy and life is hard and it's really easy to fall into a rut. Yes, yes, it's really easy to fall into a rut, yes, yes, of just not prioritizing each other or making you know feelings of a priority one way or another, and it just you know how do you avoid that roommate situation.
Speaker 2:I think that you that's OK. So even when I just told you about like, even if you were to like go on, even if you just did to 15 minute walks a day, and you guys were talking about how the week's going and different things, you know and just like what you're working, on yourself like I'm going to walk till.
Speaker 1:I weigh 50 pounds. Fuck, yeah, bring it on.
Speaker 2:Just think your energy is going to go up. She's just recommended me to walk at least four hours a day.
Speaker 2:So I'm going to work eight and walk four to get my life you are gonna feel so good though I'm gonna be a fucking twig, let's go um, but okay, I just love talking about we're talking about keeping it hot keeping it okay, keeping it sexy, okay, okay. I can honestly gotta tell you that's the one thing I feel like where my husband and I that's why we stayed connected. We are always very connected, jesus, so him and I, all the time we made sure we have found time, but the one thing was I'm blushing.
Speaker 1:I know this is a podcast and I know you can't see us, but I am full on blushing right now.
Speaker 2:But he would even like. Ok, so he would go to hockey once a week when we were earlier on, and he would always then call me, and the nice thing was being that Tommy, at this time, was probably, I don't know 12, 13 years old, so he's, you know, by law he was able to be home with my kids alone, so, so, so he would be like okay, Because when you're divorced that matters, because they'll call the cops and be like.
Speaker 1:You left the 12 year old at home alone in Illinois at 13. So mine can be at home by themselves also, my oldest yes.
Speaker 2:So they would already be up in their rooms and he would be getting home I don't know 9, 30 or something at night, and so he would. That would be how we would do our date night sometimes, because he would be like, okay, are the kids upstairs in bed? I'm like, yeah, he's like sneak out, I'm gonna pull up and we're gonna go get some mexican food. I thought you're gonna say like no sex in the garage and I was like oh boy, I'm almost home.
Speaker 1:Get to the garage and get naked.
Speaker 2:But that's how we honestly like. So when I tell you that people do date nights like we don't, we didn't have time for truly like date nights. Like my son Casey, like you know, he believes like we got to have our date nights. We have once a month Can you take the kids and spend the night Like we didn't really like do that so much, but so we took our time whenever we could. So if he could pick me up, that's how we pulled off like kind of a date night and a lot of times we just get an appetizer because, hello, it's 10 PM. We don't probably need to eat a full blown meal on my skin, but other than that, we always made sure to flirt with each other all the time and we always found time whenever, however, so we were connected. That's why I still love my husband to this day.
Speaker 2:Because we still have. I feel like we still have that same, like I still get butterflies for my husband when he walks in the room today, like it's not. I don't feel any differently today than I did 22 years ago, and especially, in some ways it's better, because 22 years ago I was insecure about things and worried and stressed and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:Has it always been, or have there been lags where there were periods of time where you wanted to murder him when he walked into the room?
Speaker 2:Well, yes, yes, I still have days that man might want to murder him into the room.
Speaker 1:Well, I, yes yes, I still have days I mean I might want to murder him. You know, slices slurred always okay, good, because I was like damn, I'm gonna die alone if I have to get butterflies every time.
Speaker 2:A motherfucker walks into a room. No, believe me, him and I have our, uh, we have our moments where we definitely have differences of opinions and, like I said, he's a very strong personality. So if he is on a subject that he's going to get mad man, it's you know, it's fireworks for sure, but you can always turn those fireworks into other fireworks at some point, and I just think that you know. When you go to therapy, they even ask you like are you having, how's your sex life? It's very, very important.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love it. So our hope and takeaways in this episode no matter where you are newly divorced, dating or 22 years into marriage the partnership piece is hard. It's hard, but it's also where so much growth can happen. So we've learned. We've learned a lot today. We've got to there's gotta be date nights, there's gotta be sexy time. Lots of that, lots of that and also just communication. Always, you've got to stay communicating. We can't, we can't shut down.
Speaker 2:Okay, here, that's the thing. Let's talk about communication for a minute, because this is something that how do you make communication? That you, how do you make communication? You know, how do you make it sound better, not so critical when you're communicating. Kylie, this is another 15 minute walk.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I gotta go on a walk to figure it out, to figure it out, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, if you're not a good communicator what's some suggestions that you might have?
Speaker 1:Kylie, I'm just going to work on it. Okay, I'm going to take lots of walks and I'm going to work on it. That's what we can do. We can keep working on it. Keep working on ourselves. Yes, but also Brad, do we can keep working on it? Keep working on ourselves. Yes, but also Brad. I know he's around here somewhere.
Speaker 2:It takes two people, and both people have to go for walks and think about things.
Speaker 1:For sure.
Speaker 2:But it's not just even. Like you know, I thought about an idea. I should probably stop doing that, yeah, and I'm doing it again two hours later. Like you know, it's really like working on it, admitting it when we're wrong and moving past it, and it can happen for everybody, if both, if both parties put in the effort. And the problem is a lot of times you see parties that one person puts in effort and the other one doesn't, and that's why it falls apart.
Speaker 1:Yes, and if you're listening, just know you're not failing if it feels messy. Every relationship has seasons. The goals isn't perfection, it's connection and friends. That wraps up episode two of season two and we'd love to hear from you. How do you and your partner navigate the stress, the laundry and keep that spark alive?
Speaker 2:Share your stories with us on Instagram, TikTok or join our Sunday night confessions, and don't forget to subscribe and leave us a review. It helps other moms find our village.
Speaker 1:Until next time, peace is possible even in the chaos.
Speaker 2:If no, one's told you lately. Let me be the one to say it You're not failing, you're growing, you're not broken, you're becoming and you're doing better than you think.
Speaker 1:Thanks for being here today. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love if you'd subscribe, leave a review or share it with another mom who might need to hear this. You can also connect with us on Facebook or TikTok at the ARMC. We'd love to hear your story.
Speaker 2:Until next time, give yourself grace, breathe deep and remember peace is possible.