The ARMC
Two anxiety ridden Moms and professionals taking on life and work. We've come together to talk about it all and formed The Anxiety Ridden Moms Club or ARMC for short. Welcome to our show, we look forward at what's to come. Thank you for joining us every week for a new episode.
The ARMC
Friendships: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
We explore the complicated reality of finding, keeping, and sometimes letting go of friendships that no longer serve us in motherhood. From discovering who your true supporters are during tough times to navigating the insecurities that often derail female relationships, we unpack why authentic connection matters more than large social circles.
• Career transitions and personal struggles often reveal which friendships are genuine and which are situational
• Social circles naturally shrink with age, but the quality of remaining relationships typically improves
• Many women struggle with balancing vulnerability and boundaries in friendships
• Insecurity and jealousy frequently undermine female friendships, making it difficult to celebrate others' successes
• Different types of friendships serve different purposes – not everyone needs to be a "ride-or-die"
• Sometimes strangers on social media provide more support than long-term acquaintances
• Learning when not to respond can be more powerful than always defending yourself
• True friendship means celebrating each other's successes without competition
• Motherhood reveals which relationships can evolve and which need to be released
If your group chat is your therapy, if your toddler is your toxic coworker, or if your idea of date night is hiding in the pantry with snacks, this season is for you. Let's talk about it, let's laugh, cry, confess, and build this messy, anxious, loving village together.
Welcome back to the Anxiety-Ridden Moms Club, season two. Baby, we're still anxious, still thriving-ish, and this season we're diving deep into one of the most complicated, beautiful and straight-up messy parts of motherhood Relationships the ones that lift us up, the ones that drain us and the ones that change when motherhood hits like a wrecking ball.
Speaker 2:From ride-or-die friendships to awkward playdate moms, from supportive partners to the ones who just don't get it, we're unpacking it all Because motherhood doesn't just reshape your body, it reshapes your people, and sometimes you outgrow folks, sometimes you build a village you never had. We're talking about boundaries, support systems, love languages, mom guilt and learning to unapologetically put yourself first If your group chat is your therapy, if your toddler is your toxic coworker or if your idea of date night is hiding in the pantry with snacks, this season is for you.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about it, let's laugh, cry, confess and build this messy, anxious, loving village together. Welcome to season two of the Anxiety-Ridden Moms Club. Welcome back to the Anxiety-Ridden Moms Club. Today's episode is one that hits every mom, every woman really friendships, finding your village, keeping your village and sometimes letting go of people who just aren't good for your peace.
Speaker 2:Yes, and we're going to get real about mom friends versus lifelong friends, toxic friendships, setting boundaries, and why it feels like strangers on the internet sometimes clap louder for you than the people you actually know.
Speaker 1:You know we grew up hearing it takes a village, but where? Where is the village?
Speaker 2:Right, I agree, that's kind of like uh, sometimes you think you even have a village and then you find out not really insert me into the situation, into the conversation sometimes you think that the people that really have your back um. You find out later that they really probably never did the way you thought, or maybe they did in the beginning, and I don't know. Things change.
Speaker 1:That is a sad, sad, sad realization that we come to.
Speaker 2:Yes, I definitely think so. So have you ever had a village that you thought you had and now you don't have anymore?
Speaker 1:Are you freaking, kidding me? I, yes, yes, we've talked about often that my career of 15 years, and you know, ended and when it ended I really learned. You know. They always say you find out who your friends are and let's just say, through the last eight to 10 months of my life, I, my circle, has gotten much smaller but much more genuine and real and, to be honest with you, it's something that I battle with, I feel like every single week still, when these people pop up on you know, social media or wherever, and it's like damn, like, I guess, for me I was a successful manager because I could read people and I've always been. I am a very emotional person. We know that I'm a very emotional person. We've, we've, we've tapped into that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we all know that. But along with my emotions come Empathy, like I feel what other people feel and I feel like that. That also made me a good manager and I've always had a good read on people like you can. You can tell, and I could always tell five minutes into an interview if they were full of shit or if they were going to be hard workers and all kinds of different things. So I feel like I've always been really in tune with my surroundings and the people around me and being somewhere and working with people for 15 years, I really, really, really thought that I knew some of these people and then when shit got a little, a little rocky, I was thrown under so many buses and different things and I still struggle with it.
Speaker 1:Just recently, someone that I traveled with I was super close with her spouse died and I reached out. I was there, I wanted to hug her, hold her, her and be the one by her side and it turns out I learned over the last eight months is we didn't have the friendship that I thought that we did. So I guess what I'm saying is I've always had a good read for people, but I was blindsided by the relationships that I thought were real and they were not. And I was, it was, I was the boss and I was their boss, and I was blindsided by the friendships. I wouldn't even call them friendships, they weren't friendships.
Speaker 1:And I don't want to say that they used me. I think that we genuinely enjoyed each other and spending time with each other, but when push came to shove, I was not someone that they would have that they would have my back and I was shocked by that and it hurts my heart. It hurts my heart every time I see these people pop up. So I've done some cleaning out. There was someone that I was super, super, super close with. I've done some cleaning out. There was someone that I was super, super, super close with and she kind of started the the whole train of things going on. Just, I don't know and I don't. I'm trying to heal from all of that, but I guess the point is is that you find out when you're who your friends are, when when things get tough. And my circle is much smaller than it was a year ago, but it is a circle that I know will be my circle until the day that I die and I am perfectly content with that and I, like I love it.
Speaker 2:I love it. I think that's the thing is. I think that especially you know, I think when you're younger anyways, you go through all these things different ages you know when grade school is the easiest time to have friends. I mean you might maybe by the time you're in fourth or fifth grade you find out somebody really doesn't like you, but it really takes till. Then you know what I mean and then I feel like being in school, we just I mean, here's your people, right, I mean you're just going to have these friendships and you go through your different trials and tribulations and high school and all that kind of stuff. I think you learn how, this kind of lesson.
Speaker 2:But I think once you get out of high school you feel like, okay, now I'm going to move on to that next group of friends and I think we all kind of go into them believing that a friendship that you build almost like now is going to be your lifelong friend. You know what I mean. You know what I'm saying. Like I don't know. I think that we have to realize sometimes they are just here temporarily. Some people are just in our lives temporarily and I think that even with what you're going through, it's almost like you know, you sometimes mourn some of those friendships in a way Cause you. I mean, you did have great times with those people and you had memories that you're like you felt were great and fun and so positive.
Speaker 1:And that's where I'm like you know, and that's a perfect way to put it. It's like man. I thought I meant more to you than that, but you showed me that I didn't. And now I know, but even kind of backing it up a little bit, like I am having those conversations and a lot of it honestly honest to God, you know, kudos to you is because I feel like my kids and I are talking a lot more.
Speaker 1:That has happened through through this podcast, but even with my daughter and she's in fifth grade, so she's so people are starting to separate out. I feel like she's in that time where people are migrating towards each other and away from each other and trying to, and she's like you know, everyone has a best friend and it's and I remember those days. I remember those days and I tried to explain to her like people are, like some some people in your life are temporary and those are all hard emotions for her to work out. But then I also explained that in high school I feel like in grade school you're all packed in together and in one big, but when you get to high school and you've, you can interact with people that are different ages and everyone has different backgrounds and different things like that's where you can really start to find your people, in a way.
Speaker 2:At least your people to get you through high school? Yes, not necessarily. Do they all carry on then with you after that?
Speaker 1:for sure, like your circle just keeps getting smaller and smaller and smaller. Do you ever wonder, like, how many people are going to show up at your funeral?
Speaker 2:well, you know that, because I've actually thought about that, and you know what I really, really, really truly realized.
Speaker 1:Um, you don't care, I don't care.
Speaker 2:You know why I don't care. I look like this. Do you know what I really hope for when, on the day that I pass away, I hope that everybody that's important to my children, or, if my spouse is still around, whoever I leave behind, I hope that people show up for them. I'm dead, I really don't care. I am in, believe me. I'm dancing, having a great time. I'm listening to some good tunes. I'm a happy camper. So I really, truly I just hope that they have good people around them that show up for them. That's all I care about.
Speaker 1:And you know, I like like you've said and you've told me time and time again is people are only around for a season. That's then. That's something too. It's like we were there for each other. When you know my co-workers, for example, my co-workers slash friends.
Speaker 1:Now, with that being said too, I don't want to, I don't want to focus all my energy on the ones that I thought we had a friendship and they weren't, because I also have developed lifelong friendships from that career, you, you being obviously one of them. There are a select number of people that I still talk to, if not on a daily basis, a weekly basis, and there are lifelong friendships that I made and that I cherish. So I don't want to say that they're all bad or anything like that. There are just ones that shocked me. There are ones that shocked me that I thought were more important than it turns out that they were.
Speaker 1:But I have, I've had lifelong friendships, you know, built from from that time. It's, it's hard, man, life is hard and adulting is hard, and it's hard to watch my daughter go through some of those things. Like I told her, I'm like girlfriend. I still remember the days, like I'm still tortured by the days where we would fight over who sat next to who at lunch and who would do, but none of that matters. So how do you drive home with these babies growing up and developing to that, like None of that matters, you'll find your people.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, I think that's I mean society in general always makes you feel that pressure of friendships and where you belong and all that kind of stuff. And so I feel like when you have your kids and you give them that safe haven which you have to give because they have to feel that they have a place to tune out the noise of everyone else out in the world. But we don't always have that for ourselves and sometimes we have to realize that. I guess it's kind of why I say you have to be so good with you. Have you ever had like times where you did something and you know what happened, right? I don't know you're dealing with another person or whatever, and all of a sudden somebody completely says you're doing something different, like you were. You know that they think your intentions was something completely different than what you were doing. And you know the truth, right, I wasn't doing what they just said. I wasn't, I wasn't going behind their back, I wasn't, whatever it may be in a friendship argument, and you can't get them convinced otherwise. So they believe something negative of you that you know in your heart's not even true. It's just not true. And it all comes again from every person's insecurities, we always think a lot of times the worst. We always think something like in an anxiety ridden kind of manner even if you're not truly a really anxiety person, it doesn't matter. We all kind of go there.
Speaker 2:And I think that a lot of times I have had people misinterpret or think things different of something that I said or did was. I know it was not true. And that is when I got to the. I had to get myself to the point to realize. That's why I say I don't care, because and I don't say it in a way that's I'm mad, because I've even had this discussion with people. Sometimes the next thing you hear them say, well, I mean I don't even care. Okay, well, I didn't say to be angry. My point is you have to really get to the point of I know my, I know the truth, I know completely the truth of what's happened.
Speaker 2:I know what I did or did not do my daughter I mean I brought this up, I think even in another episode, and she actually has another scenario too where she has some kid, I guess last year, to help her cheat, basically some homework, and I guess he had a girlfriend, and so she's like can't stand my daughter because she asked for the answer like to cheat off of him kind of a thing which makes me laugh, cause I'm like, oh my God, this is so stupid. I mean like seriously so stupid. And my daughter is just like I have. I don't want to like my daughter could give a crap about really like dating somebody. She's so just wants to do what she wants to do, so she's truly like. For anybody out there that has a kid that goes to school with my daughter, let me just tell you she's not out to get anybody's boyfriend.
Speaker 1:She really doesn't care.
Speaker 2:But I just think it all stems from that. To that other girl she had intentions by asking to cheat, right. So does it bother her or does it bother kylie?
Speaker 2:no, she thinks it's ridiculous, she, you know, but I we talk about it a lot because I went through that where people would think something. I'd be like I just seriously want the answers. Like I didn't want to get an f, I thought maybe a c or plus would look better, you, but in turn you'd always be kind of like I didn't want to fail Right and your boyfriend happened to be next to me, you know, and I know he's got pretty decent grades, it's not that deep.
Speaker 2:It's just not that deep, but I think that that goes on all our lives. I just think it does, and I think that's why a lot of times friendships end and it's because people don't bother to um, I don't know check back in with each other or really open up and be vulnerable. We're all worried about being vulnerable to anybody, especially even regular relationships, but even in friendships, so we always have a little hidden part and then people misinterpret and the next thing you know that friendship's over with you can either sit around and go on a big tangent and be mad forever, or you just simply have to say it was good while it lasted, but I know what I did or I didn't do, and if I did something wrong, then I need to go for my walk and think about that and see what I can do to work on myself.
Speaker 1:I struggle with that? For sure I do, and I, you know it's something because of I guess you'll call it trauma or whatever you want to call it but those past relationships and things, and I've said before like I suffered in silence and now I want to heal out loud and that's um. I'm doing that through this podcast and different things. I'm saying some of the things that have been on my mind for a long time and now I'm finally like spewing them out. But I completely and entirely retracted in and I didn't like I don't trust very many people anymore and it's a product of being hurt and being burned by so many people that I know the people in my circle now I trust with my life and they are my ride or dies.
Speaker 1:I don't know when I will be ready to start adding to my circle and that's kind of where I'm at now and he's like, you know, let's, let's go out, let's do this, let's do that. And I'm still in this place, like I'm working on, like I'm not putting myself in that situation again, like I will never put myself in that situation again. You know, drawing hard boundaries and different things where I'm kind of to the point where I am very selfish with my time, my energy and like I am really struggling with putting myself out there for lack of better terms terms because of how bad I was burned.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, and I understand that I've gone through all those kinds of things too. You know where you felt like people thought something of me that's totally wrong, or misinterpreted something or whatever changed our friendship. Um, so I definitely had shrunk mine down too, and I think that for me, I just look at as I think that it's, I think, okay, here's the thing I was thinking about the other day. I see pictures even of some girls that I went to like grade school with and they were like all turning. This was a couple of years ago, so they were all like turning, like 50. And so they were had a trip and all of them are on this trip together and I thought, man, that'd be really, I mean, a girl's trip with like 15 girls. Doesn't that sound magical?
Speaker 2:Until I started thinking to myself you truly, even when you have a group of 15 friends, most likely when you look at these girls, they usually have two of the friends that are truly their best friends of the group, and then they have the rest of the group Right, which is why there's a lot of times usually drama and there's always people talking about. It's just always. I don't think I've ever known of a group, and I'm sure there is one that exists. I'm not going to tell you that does not exist, but I guarantee there's very few that have like a big group like that, that they truly are all just super bonded together, best of friends, just don't ever say a bad word about each other, that they are just, you know, like that, and so I think it's kind of even some of the times I look at the picture and I think to myself the idea of that is nice.
Speaker 2:The reality of it is probably not what would be the reality of it is friends and neighbors on Apple TV, or secret lives of the Mormon wives, where everyone's banging each other and no one likes each other really, and it's exactly that show is exactly true.
Speaker 2:We're all like just going to be on here together, so happy. Let's take group photos and at the end of the day, you know, they're like later talking about each other. I just think it's common I also think girls to talk about each other a lot anyway, and so I just think it's in our nature in a way.
Speaker 1:How do we stop that? How do we like?
Speaker 2:I hate that and I think it stems from a lot of times from insecurities. So if you see a girl and she's really pretty, you'll be like, oh my God, do you see her? She has like Botox and like fake hair. And then later you'd be like, God bless, where do I get that fake hair and can I get that Botox?
Speaker 1:So are you telling me that when we, when we send each other podcasts and we're like I can't even stand the voice that our insecurities are, of us not knowing if our podcast is worth a shit, or that we pick at other people's podcasts?
Speaker 2:That's when we're being, that's when we're being objectively critical to figure out what we are doing right or wrong, but I seriously I think that more women are prone to anxiety.
Speaker 2:I think we are more prone to focusing on our on our insecurities, and I think that that is what, honest to God, ruins our friendships. Seriously, I swear to God, I think that's what it is which makes it hard to have those close friendships with another girl. Or you have a lot of times where they are worried about well, am I doing better than you? Cause, then that'll make me feel better. If I'm doing better than you. That's not the point.
Speaker 2:Like, I have my very, very, very best friend that I have been friends with for I don't want to say how many years, so, at the end of the day, for too many years, and she is the one person in my life that I can call up and say my husband is such a jerk. You don't even know what he said to me today. You don't even know how rude he was today. Oh my God, I want to kill him. And she'll just be like kind of like. Oh man, yeah, that ticked me off too. And then she'd be like all right, see you later. Whatever, I mean, she doesn't care, like she doesn't. She's never going to be like, because she knows I have a good husband, she knows that I'm happily married and she's not here to ruin anything for me and if I have get something she's so excited for me and if she gets something I'm so excited for her If she's successful. It's just we actually truly celebrate what each other has and there's never, ever been an ounce of jealousy or a fear of like. If I tell her, who's she going to tell, or if I tell her what she's going to think about it, or is she going to judge me, cause she just truly doesn't.
Speaker 2:And I think that is extremely rare to find, which is why I can tell you, when you see 15 girls all together, you guys don't have that friendship. It just doesn't. You don't have that with 15 different people. It just it's a very rare thing to happen and I think that then you can have like. That's why I think a lot of times you have a small group and maybe you have three or four really, really close friends. Yes, I think that three or four people can have that and become very, very close to each other and have each other's backs to the very, very end. But it's just, I don't know. I just think it's unfortunate, but I think women are just too worried and insecure and then they push it out on everybody else, and not that we mean to cause. Sometimes don't get me wrong Some of the shit that we get can say is funny. I mean, you know, we all have a good sense of humor too.
Speaker 1:And the people yeah, I'm, I'm one of those people that can dish it, but I can't take it. I can talk about your podcast, but if you talk about mine like I'll cut you, yeah, it's, it's, it's hard and I I think you're spot on with with the insecurities. The insecurities scream louder, the anxiety, the overthinking everything. Like I'm probably the worst when I say you know situations like it's not that deep. I make everything deep, I overthink everything, like it can be. You said okay and I'm like wait, was she mad at me? Like why did she say okay that way? That was kind of harsh. Like you and your fucking thumbs up on every text I sent.
Speaker 1:I'm like not even a heart. Like not even a heart. You can't even give me a heart. Like what did I do? Do you not actually like it? Like that is how my brain works and so we're working on that too. Like, practice the pause and not overthink everything, because everything is not that deep, kylie, it is not that deep. But I really really struggle with that. I'm like did she just look? Did she just give me a dirty look? And I need to not freaking care, not care, not put so much time and energy into those things that don't matter.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think it's why, like in social media, you know that people say like, oh, sometimes people on social media clap louder for us, but then, on the other hand, sometimes social media people are just hateful but the reality is they don't know you. I mean, have you ever met? Even think about, there's so many friendships that you have. I mean, I know I've had plain people be this way to me and met you. I thought you were like a stuck up bitch and I'd be like what? I'm not a stuck up bitch. They're like, well, no, and I know you. You know what I mean. Now I think you're great, but I seriously, when I first met you thought, yeah, okay, I don't want nothing to do with her.
Speaker 1:I got that as a manager a lot. Um, shout out to Amanda you freaking scared me. Yes, and I'm like why I didn't mean to. She's like I don't know.
Speaker 2:You're intimidating, yeah, and I think that's the thing. I think is that we have where it's easy to judge something you don't know. Because you don't know, it doesn't really mean you won't like them. Or there can even be people that maybe you work with and you're like I really don't like working with this person because there's all these things they do in work that drives you nuts. But then you go out with them, like after work one day with a group, and you're like this person's awesome You're like.
Speaker 2:I still hate working with them, but I love them as a person. Don't love your work ethic.
Speaker 1:But as a person, like we could get along.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like you're great. I just think it just depends on, I don't know.
Speaker 1:So many variables and it's hard. And I do have, um, you know, friends that I grew up with, and and, and a select few, not a ton of them, but like we'll go months and months without talking and we just pick up where we left off, and um, that you know. That's, that's nice too. And we know, you know those people are, will be there for me if I ever pick up the phone and call them. But you also, I don't want to be the person that always complains or always. It's hard, like I guess the friendship realm of this it just it never gets easier. You know, I'm not, I'm talking my fifth grader through it. I remember, like I said, I remember fighting over who sat next to who at lunch, and then as adults it's hard. It's like you see girls trips and you're like, damn, that would, that would be nice, but is it really?
Speaker 2:And then is it really what I?
Speaker 1:want, yeah, and then for me it's. It's breaking out of my shell and building new relationships and being scared and taking them for what they're, what it's worth to, I guess, like we don't always have to, every person you meet or every quote, unquote friend that you have doesn't have to be your ride or die, like you gotta see the value in the different types of friendships that you have.
Speaker 2:I think is important too is that not everyone and it's good to have different kinds of friendships with people Sometimes it's just the person that you I don't know maybe have some- you're having a bad day and you want to go get drunk, you know who to call.
Speaker 2:That doesn't have to be the person you're going to share your deep, dark, darkest, right, right that's just a person, that a person though, that when you need to blow off steam and not care, you know that that's that personality that fits for that. I think that's the thing is in friendships. I think we should there should be more categories. People are always like, oh, that's my best friend. Well, I mean, that's just my friend, and then it's just.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of categories of friendships and and it's good to have several of those- it is, and I don't know if jealousy plays a part of that too, like when you say people clapping louder for for others, like are people jealous that someone's going to do better than them in life or not? Have you know as well off? Or like I don't, I'm not going to buy her stuff because she's already got more money than everybody you know you know as well off. Or like I don't, I'm not going to buy her stuff because she's already got more money than everybody.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like I think that plays a piece of it too, of why women are so hard and yeah, I think it's.
Speaker 2:Again.
Speaker 2:It goes right back to insecurities, you know so, like if you're doing something that I would like, would like to do, but maybe I don't have the, I don't know how to go about it, but all of a sudden you're doing it, then all of a sudden I kind of feel like insecure, which turns me into a jealous situation, which can turn me into not saying and being supportive, and you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I think that's what happens to people, to be honest with you. That's why I tell you my friendship that I have with this one friend is just golden to have, because it's the one person I could tell her I was doing anything, and it was going to be a million dollar thing, that was going to happen for me, and she'd be like, oh my God, that is the most amazing thing, and she'd want to hear about every step of the way. And I just think that it is a person that she is, she's content with who, she is a hundred percent. And you, just a lot of us, need to really work on ourselves to get there.
Speaker 1:You just hit the nail on the head. I think it's finding the contentment and being happy with who you are to be able to cheer other people on and support other people. Hell, I send you to X messages every single day. Well, I guess. Okay, so there's two parts of this one. My mom and I were walking and she's been following someone and she's like I'm following somebody on a walk, no, following someone on TikTok your mom's following people around while she's walking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we sometimes we do. It's the dog. But she was talking about how she's from a small town and she's like. Everyone seriously hates me. They hate me like, they comment nasty things, they do bad like, but I don't care, because I'm having fun, I'm making good money and I'm supporting my family and that's what I'm going to do. But everyone in her small hometown is like mean about it and I was like one.
Speaker 1:We're adults Like why does? Why does it have to be nasty? Right? And if you tuned in a couple of weeks ago to Sunday night confessions, I went on a tangent about a group chat that I'm a part of, where adults were not setting good examples for their children and they weren't treating people like you wanted to be treated, and you know it's the golden rule rule Treat someone like you want to be treated. But it does not happen and we've got to do a better. We've got to do a better job, instilling it in our children, instilling it in ourselves, like everything's not a competition and not everything needs a comment and not everything.
Speaker 2:I struggle with that one.
Speaker 1:Like sometimes just no response is a response. It is. I don't always have to get the last word in.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think as I worked on stuff for myself more and more, the more I actually really realized that me not responding held more weight than when I responded. Because when I responded it could be critiqued, it could be thought about, it could be whatever right, anybody can get an opinion about whatever. When I didn't respond, it could make it set more of the tone of what was going on. So I've kind of settled into doing that a lot more because it benefited me more in so many ways. One, I'm not sitting there getting my blood pressure up having an argument with somebody or defending myself because at the end of the day I don't.
Speaker 2:I know anything. I've ever done right, wrong or indifferent in my life better than anybody else could ever say. I know for sure what I've done or what I haven't done. Anybody else can make up a story or ad lib. Something extra would have added if that's what makes you feel better. But for me I actually do know when I go to bed at night if I did something right, wrong or indifferent. So if we would spend more time taking care of that, like if I did, if I'm doing things wrong, then I need to fix it, not sit around being an ass to everybody else or not ruining friendships because I don't know how to deal with myself.
Speaker 2:Or you find people that are unhappy in relationships and all of a sudden it's like they're mean to everybody and you think, projecting, yeah. And you're like what the hell? Maybe you should fix your shit at home and you wouldn't be such a bitch. You know what I mean. That would probably help. So I think that that's. It's truly if people would do a lot more looking at themselves and who they want to be like. Who do you want to be? Who do you? What do you want your kids to look at and think of you later? If, of you later, if you really weren't here, what would you want them to say? Oh yeah, my mom, she was like a whirlwind crazy bitch. Or would you want her to say Nora's going to put that on?
Speaker 1:my tombstone. That's why I'm getting cremated Jesus.
Speaker 2:There's no room to edge a little something. I'll help her with it. I loved her, but she was a fucking crazy person. But I think that I think that's the whole thing. If we would really truly spend more time doing that, we would be better in relationships, with every type of relationship that we can have, and it's not going to happen anytime soon with a million people, with millions of people.
Speaker 1:But and I needed this. I needed this conversation when I was going through my divorce, because everyone had an opinion. Yes, everyone had, and I, I, I. We are to the point now where I respect my ex most days. Um, just last week actually, he had asked me to take our dog and I said you mean the dog you stole from me? Like you stole my dog and now you are asking me to take this dog to the vet for you because it's too hard for you. Okay, all of the people that you told I was a psycho to and that continue years later to give me dirty looks in public, will you go tell them that you asked me to take your fucking dog to the vet and that I did it? Okay, okay, thank you, like, unless you were in my marriage.
Speaker 1:And the thing about my ex is that he is hilarious, he's kind, he's loving, he would do anything for any, anything for anyone. Um, obviously there are reasons. I didn't just wake up one day and say obviously there are reasons. I didn't just wake up one day and say I want a divorce. That was not the case, right, we put in a lot, a lot, of, a lot of work and effort, in my opinion, but we were. We were to a point where we were at a crossroads where it was fix this or this Right. And again, not getting into too much of that, because we're finally in a place of respect and boundaries for the most part. For the most part. I did remind him when I was taking his dog to the vet, like hey, two weeks ago you called me mean names.
Speaker 2:Could we not do that?
Speaker 1:That would be great. But I there was so much weight in the dirty looks I was getting or the did you hear she's leaving him and she blah, blah, blah. You don't know. You were not in my house, you were not a part of this relationship. What you saw outside of here, or maybe online, wasn't. You're not getting the full picture. If you want to know the full picture, you want to know both sides. But don't judge me off of his side. And still to this day, there are people that I know don't like me because of because I divorced this man Right.
Speaker 1:Like we are co-parenting, we are doing a good job, probably better than we did when we were together, and it is none of your damn business. And if you don't like me I'm so sorry for you. But so that's my sitting in front of you point of view. But there's also a point of view of the person that didn't want to get out of bed for weeks because I was getting dirty looks when I was at the hospital with my dying grandma over a divorce of someone like you know what I'm saying. Like it's, that's the anxious part and that's the overthinking part and that's the part that weighs me down Sometimes I really do feel like there I'm. What is it? I wanted to say Lilo and Stitch and, that's funny, bonnie and Clyde. No, what's the one of? What is the same person with two personalities, jekyll and Hyde?
Speaker 2:no-transcript who give a dirty look. They don't know the whole story. So, at the end of the day, I mean, I think for me I swear I got to the point of because, believe me, I was judged greatly during my divorce as well and things that I know. Like I said, I know exactly what happened and what didn't happen and, um, it used to really bother me. I actually had a coworker that would. I would come into an email literally every morning. I printed them off, I kept them in my home. I still have them to this day. Um, I don't know why, cause I just actually came across them and I was like my God.
Speaker 1:I like a reminder.
Speaker 2:It was a reminder. The reason I printed this off no, it was at a different company. So the reason I kept these seriously is one of the reasons why I wanted to work on myself, because I looked at it as I allow this to sometimes really bother me and I worked through it. Actually, in some ways, she kind of helped me by doing it. It's so weird to say that, but it's like she sent me basically hate emails of what a horrible person I was because I was having some long drawn out affair that I was not having and which I taught how you will get emotionally.
Speaker 2:I eventually yes, I did actually have one, but there's so many stories to this whole thing. But anyways, to not get into it, ultimately she sent me these emails because she's decided to continue to speak to him and he gave her a fluffy little story that I guess she enjoyed, so she would send me these. I mean, literally, I could have gotten her fired and or at least in very big trouble at work. You can't harass somebody over an email every morning that they walk into, but good morning.
Speaker 1:You are a dirty whore Pretty much is what I got.
Speaker 2:It was actually like seriously, it was it was. And at first I was really decent about my responses to her and I got to the point I made a couple of digs at her about her husband and so that she would back off, because it was like I mean, is this what we're? I didn't know we were into this Like you know, you did this and you did that. Well, you suck for this. And I said I mean I don't care, like you didn't come to my home every day and you don't know how we function and for us we didn't function well together.
Speaker 1:So how do you get to that point?
Speaker 2:of not caring, because you read those things and you realize, truly I can get angry, right, I can sit around and say like why is this bothering me? This is so, all, so false information that I can seriously either make myself insane over or I can seriously look at and start to laugh, which is why I laugh a lot, because I seriously do think you're kind of a joke to me that you seriously believe that you interjecting. What? How does that help even him? I mean seriously in a divorce situation.
Speaker 1:It was a dirty whore. Why does it affect your life? It's true.
Speaker 2:If I was doing all the things you say, I really don't know what it matters to her. Now, if all the things she was saying was true, I mean it could tick off somebody I was in a relationship with, but that's between me and that person. So you interjecting didn't help him. It didn't help him. I mean I could just get so angry that every time I deal with him now I'm screaming at him and I'm causing all this turmoil because I'm so mad because this girl gives me an email. I mean, literally, you're actually making the whole situation worse. So I just really got to the point that I just started chuckling every time I came in the morning because at first it started really bugging me and upsetting me because I think who would be this hateful?
Speaker 1:person. I need to go home and cry because I can't do it.
Speaker 2:I was like seriously, I would think I kind of felt like sometimes I feel like I just want to go home and then other times I get to be like who wants to be this mean, like I, we were her and I were good friends at one point in time, like I was in her wedding, we were good friends. I don't even understand, like how this turned into that. And then, obviously, you were told a very, very pretty story. That's not completely true.
Speaker 1:And that's growth. Because I would have went through, I would have went for her jugular and landed myself in jail. I don't know why I can't shut up Like I don't know why I can't just pause.
Speaker 2:Yes, there is power in the pause, so sometimes you have to pause and you have to take the source, and then you have to see what good is it that I'm entering into this?
Speaker 1:And then you have to realize it's about me.
Speaker 2:I don't know how to genuinely not care, because her thoughts of me I mean, what is that? What I think of me matters the most. I know that I am a good person. I know that I get up with good intentions every day. I'm not a perfect person, but I'm a. I'm a good person. I get up with good intentions every day. I take care of what's the most important, which is my family. All the rest of the people in the world don't truly, they don't have to hold power over me. They're just people that I would, it would love like, I would have loved to have had a continued on great relationship with her.
Speaker 2:We had a great friendship, I mean, we had lots of fun together, um, and then it ended, you know, and it was because she was told something from somebody else and instead of talking to me and asking me what's going on, she didn't, she chose to just take a side and be toxic about it instead, and and that's OK, it's her right to do. I mean, I will tell you that when she ended up getting a divorce because she wanted to let me know, her relationship she was in was amazingly perfect at the time. During all these text messages is yes, when karma always comes in, you ended up divorced and I did laugh on that day.
Speaker 1:There is a book above your head by Rachel Hollis and it says it's I think it's Girl Wash your Face and it is. It's one of Rachel Hollis's books, but it says something really, really poetic I can't think of right now. No, your opinion of me is none of my business, or something along those lines.
Speaker 1:It's irrelevant. It's a very powerful, powerful statement and I think that there is true growth in that. Like someone else's opinion of you is none of your business, like they can think what they want and I can say that and I can read that and I can be like, yes, but then at the same time it's living out that and making that your truth.
Speaker 2:That is difficult. Well, I mean, honestly, if I sat and thought that you're this horrible person and I just think all these bad things of you, you could sit there and tell me all day long that you're not that horrible person and that you're not, and try to justify it, and I could sit there all day long looking at you like whatever I it, and I could sit there all day long looking at you like whatever I mean it doesn't matter. So, really, why are you wasting your breath having an argument with somebody who has no intentions to care? And that's how I felt, like with that girl. It was like you obviously have. It's. It's the same scenario of I thought we were better friends than what we were, because a better friend would have maybe said something to me, but instead she went to attack me, which I mean OK you know, make herself feel better.
Speaker 2:Yes, and sometimes there's there's reasons why things and I mean there's all sorts of situations that can happen. I mean, I had a friendship with somebody at work and they were let go and I didn't know what to say because it looked like I was almost a part of something that I wasn't a part of. And I just kind of want to crawl in a hole because I felt like this, this looks like I did something, like I had something to do with her getting fired and I did not know what to say. And it is what ended our relationship, because I just didn't say and I think a lot of it is too we don't, we're not, we don't talk enough about probably weird situations and stuff like that, or we pass judgment and we decide to be hateful and sad. But true, hateful doesn't get, and that's why friendships are hard. They're just hard and they take a lot of work and they take people investing each other and I think that's why a lot of times we end up with a small group and that's manageable and easier to do.
Speaker 1:And sometimes why strangers on Tik TOK and Instagram are becoming the first to hype you up. Yes, yes, and you know your real life friends sometimes are quiet, but it's okay. You can be quiet and still supportive, and as long as you're downloading and listening to our podcast, it's all good.
Speaker 2:Exactly, friendship is messy. It changes, but it's worth it. Your village might look different than you expected, but it's out there.
Speaker 1:And if you don't have it yet, you can borrow ours. That's what this community is for. That's what we're building this village, for Strangers or not.
Speaker 2:we are clapping for you and we'll continue to clap for you Until next time. Peace is possible even in friendship. If no one's told you lately, let me be the one to say it You're not failing, you're growing. You're not broken, you're becoming and you're doing better than you think. Thanks for being here today.
Speaker 1:If this episode resonated with you, I'd love if you'd subscribe, leave a review or share it with another mom who might need to hear this. You can also connect with us on Facebook or TikTok at TheARMC. We'd love to hear your story.
Speaker 2:Until next time, give yourself grace, breathe deep and remember peace is possible.