The ARMC

What If Peace Lives In Flexibility and Not Control

• Kylie & Gina • Season 2 • Episode 11

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What if the control that feels so safe is the very thing spiking your anxiety? We get candid about the tug-of-war between wanting everything “just so” and wanting a life that feels calmer, lighter, and actually doable. From dishwasher debates and grocery-line choreography to real safety concerns like fire risks and carbon monoxide, we trace how control shows up in tiny rituals and big decisions—and how to loosen your grip without letting everything fall apart.

We unpack why anxious brains chase predictability and how that fuels micromanaging, rechecking, and spirals of self-doubt. Then we move into practical shifts: structured breathing that grounds instead of frustrates, delegating outcomes rather than dictating every step, and giving feedback with warmth so help stays helpful. We also talk mental load—why the missing cheer uniform ends up on mom’s shoulders—and how to share responsibility without the emotional hangover.

Safety has a seat at the table too. We swap smart, simple habits you can set and forget: checking smoke and carbon monoxide detectors when the clocks change, keeping bedroom doors closed at night for fire protection, and teaching kids better charging habits. The goal isn’t hypervigilance; it’s thoughtful systems that free your mind, not trap it.

By the end, you’ll have a few questions to cut through the noise—Will this matter tomorrow? Do I need to fix this or can it be good enough?—and a mantra worth testing: peace lives in flexibility. If your brain equates control with comfort, this conversation offers another path: boundaries that protect, routines that serve, and trust that grows with practice.

If this resonated, subscribe, leave a review, or share it with a friend who needs a little less pressure and a little more peace. And come say hi on Facebook or TikTok at the ARMC—we’d love to hear your story.

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome back to the Anxiety Ridden Moms Club, season two, baby. We're still anxious, still thriving, ish, and this season we're diving deep into one of the most complicated, beautiful, and straight-up messy parts of motherhood. Relationships.

SPEAKER_01:

The ones that lift us up, the ones that drain us, and the ones that change when motherhood hits like a wrecking ball.

SPEAKER_00:

From ride or die friendships to awkward play date moms, from supportive partners to the ones who just don't get it, we're unpacking it all.

SPEAKER_01:

Because motherhood doesn't just reshape your body, it reshapes your people. And sometimes you outgrow folks.

SPEAKER_00:

Sometimes you build a village you never had. We're talking about boundaries, support systems, love languages, mom guilt, and learning to unapologetically put yourself first.

SPEAKER_01:

If your group chat is your therapy, if your Tyler is your toxic coworker, or if your idea of date night is hiding in the pantry with snacks, this season is for you.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's talk about it, let's laugh, cry, confess, and build this messy, anxious, loving village together. Welcome to season two of the Anxiety Ridden Moms Club. Welcome back to the Anxiety Ridden Moms Club, where we talk about all of the messy, beautiful, anxious parts of motherhood and life and how we're learning to find the calm in the chaos.

SPEAKER_01:

Today's episode is all about control, that sneaky little thing anxiety thrives on. If you've ever found yourself micromanaging everyone's schedules, rewriting your to-do list 10 times, or recleaning the dishwasher after your partner loads it, guilty as charged. This one's for you.

SPEAKER_00:

You're calling me out already. But seriously, anxiety and control are best friends. The more anxious we feel, the more we try to grip tighter. But somehow, the tighter we hold, the worse the anxiety gets.

SPEAKER_01:

Anxiety thrives on predictability. When we feel uncertain, our brains go into overdrive, trying to fix, plan, and prevent anything that could go wrong. It's a survival instinct. But in 2025, survival doesn't always look like hunting for food. It looks like trying to control every email, every play date, every outfit, every calorie.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. I used to think if I could control everything, my body, my kids' emotions, my house, my inbox, I'd feel safe. But all it did was create this endless loop of worry. If one thing went wrong, I'd spiral. Like if I can't even control this, what can I control? And that spiral is the kicker.

SPEAKER_01:

Anxiety convinces you that control equals safety. But really, control equals pressure. Constantly monitoring, managing, and overthinking, it's exhausting.

SPEAKER_00:

Exhausting and it steals your peace. You can't be present when you're gripping so tight.

SPEAKER_01:

So let's talk about the flip side. Letting go, because letting go sounds beautiful in theory. But when you're anxious, it feels like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. Like when someone says, just relax, or like, cool, wish I would have thought of that. Don't tell me to relax.

SPEAKER_01:

That's not gonna work.

SPEAKER_00:

It's not gonna work.

SPEAKER_01:

It just makes me even more anxious. I want to punch you in the face. Right. Or breathe in your nose and out your mouth. And now I'm hyperventilating. Sometimes I really have to tell myself that though.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm like, in through your nose, out through your mouth, take a deep breath, calm the fuck down. It's not the end of the world. But that seriously makes me hyperventilate.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. If I do that, it does. I'll be like, I'm getting dizzy. Oh, I don't feel good.

SPEAKER_00:

But for me, it circles back to control. If I'm in control of my breathing, then I can get control of my thoughts. So it's like, take a deep breath in for three seconds and release and make it like 10 seconds. It just gets my mind and my body to calm down versus someone just saying, calm down or relax. True.

SPEAKER_01:

It takes practice. For me, it started small and I'm still not that good at it. Um, it's not reloading the dishwasher and just letting my husband do it his way.

SPEAKER_00:

No, because then yeah, no, because then we have to run three loads a day because of their inefficiencies loading it. Like they could stand in the freaking living room and just throw it in there and then like it.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

It's called efficiency. And that's why I redo it.

SPEAKER_01:

That's why you put cups on the top, not on the bottom. That's why you put things heavier in the back of the top, not towards the front when it comes to those bowls. That's why you put heavier pods and pans on the bottom. I can go through, I can go round and round a dishwasher.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you sort your silverware in the dishwasher?

SPEAKER_01:

No, I don't sort my silverware in the dishwasher.

SPEAKER_00:

I do. Like it makes sense, right? Like you put the knives with the knives and the forks with the forks. That's a good idea. I might start.

SPEAKER_01:

Did you say that? I never have, but it actually makes really good sense. It makes unloading it way easier.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

See, I'm as crazy as the dish about the dishwasher as I am when you go for groceries. Okay, so you go to the grocery store and you're putting the stuff on the conveyor belt. I unload my cart based on how I want them to bag my shit. Because then that way I then put it, I like to put it back in my cart, how I'm going to unload into my car. Okay. And then when I get to my house, I know where everything's like what's the heaviest, what's the this, what's that? Makes it very efficient. My husband thinks I'm absolutely ridiculous. I don't say anything. And if you don't know, you don't know I'm doing it. But I do. And so I like want all the big items given to her first, anything heavy. I like your cold with your cold. They'll go in a fridge together.

SPEAKER_00:

I would put cold with cold just because it makes sense, but I don't, I have never organized it in like organize it.

SPEAKER_01:

And then when I put it back in the cart, that's why I make him pay and swipe the card because then I go to the end with the cart. So as she bags it, she hands it to me, I put it in the cart where I want it. And then we go out to the car because I cannot stand when we get to the car. And he just starts aimlessly handing me anything. Okay. I just put this in the cart in a specific way so that we can put it in the car with the heaviest items on the bottom here, the other items on the seat in your back of your truck, so that things are not everywhere.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. That's the kind of thing. This is just going to make us even more freaking nut than help anybody. We're just going to talk about how I think you're going to make me be like, I'm going to start sorting the silverware now. My dishwasher. I know. And I'm going to spend 28 hours at the checkout line getting everything everything organized.

SPEAKER_01:

And I literally don't take any longer than anybody else. I'm telling you, you would never know I was doing it unless you started handing me stuff. I don't want you to hand me, like it, my car. And I'd be like, listen, you're doing it wrong. And then you would be like, what are you talking about?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and now I did this a certain way. Everywhere I go, it's freaking. There's two checkouts with actual people itself. And then my kids want to scan everything and my kids want to dance around and my kids want to help. And like, no, I just want to come by myself. So then I can I can organize and be psychotic, I guess.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. Yes. I get all that for sure. I really never even realized how controlling I am about a lot of things or how rip how probably somewhat OCD I am. Yes. You know, until like you try to let other people do stuff. So my husband, since he's, you know, had these different things and his health issues, um, he's had where he's home more, and then he'll be like, he's gonna help me out, which I desperately need, right? I desperately need somebody helping me is a positive thing. But then I realize like I get out of bed, I go, I get up. I I'm so routine. Like when I I turn off certain light switches, that once I get dressed, I'm ready. I go out to the front door, I turn the light switches out, then I come over here and I give the coffee made. Then I go do it's very, very routinely. And I didn't realize it until he started helping me. And I'm like, you're throwing me off my routine. I have to do these things. And why aren't you turning off the lights? That's why the lights are on all day. If you don't turn the front porch lights off, they need to be off. So turn them off. Flip switch. If you don't switch, I then have to go back to my routine. It's bad.

SPEAKER_00:

It's a problem. That is definitely some sort of OCD for sure, I think. But I mean, I'm the same way. And like I, if I don't do things in order, then I have to check 15 times did I unplug the straightener or did you know whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01:

But our minds or at night, so I'm sc I'm I'm petrified. Like I could have bad nightmares really easily. So I make sure every door is locked, pushed to make sure it's even completely latched, you know. And if I even wonder, did I for sure check it? I don't know if I checked it. I better go check it again. If I don't check it, I'll get in bed thinking I checked it, and then I'll lay there for 10 minutes to go, I don't think I checked it. So I better get back out of bed. I better go check it. I like seriously am kind of nutty about that too. It's bad. But that's because I'm gonna have nightmares. Like, seriously, somebody's gonna come in and like they're gonna grab my feet and kill me.

SPEAKER_00:

That's never good. We don't want that to happen. That would be so sad.

SPEAKER_01:

That's why, you know, it's a beautiful time in October and I love so many different things. But, you know, don't ask me to watch a scary movie with you. I'm not interested or go to a haunted house. Like, no, thank you. I will never sleep again.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I used to be into haunted houses and scary things until I had kids, and then I'm I can't because I'd piss myself and then everyone would judge me for pissing myself, but I can't. Like if I get scared, I will pee. That's like all there is to it. I guess I could wear, I guess I could wear a diaper. But no, now I'm like truly petrified. Like, I don't want to die. I don't need you chasing me with a chainsaw.

SPEAKER_01:

Like, no, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

I think I think having kids did that for me. Like I almost knew no fear, and now I'm afraid of everything.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. Oh, yeah, I've for sure. It definitely intensives. I was always kind of skittish about things, anyways. Um I was never one I want to watch scary movies, really, but um definitely having kids made it even worse, especially up somebody breaking in my house. It just made it worse. I got more nervous and more like, I need to do this, I need to do that. My dad put the like the long extra long screws into the doors, you know, jams that that way that it's more secure if they try to get kids. If it was me, I would be like putting bars on my windows.

SPEAKER_00:

See, and I'm less afraid of that and more afraid of like my dad as the assistant fire chief and like my house catching on fire. And that's why I think I do like the crazy stuff about the hair straightener or the yeah, the kids leaving things on. Do you unplug then like your small appliances? I don't. I don't, but like I have a serious fear of my kids who have their chargers like by their bed, and like that is a known thing to start firing. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

My daughter, I tell her it all the time. So say what here, why don't you do a good little lesson? Because then when my daughter listens, maybe she'll listen to somebody else because she literally has the the charger plugged in next to her bed, and then the charger lays on top of her bed with her phone plugged in.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, no, it I mean, and your bedding and your mattress will be the first thing that like engulfs in flames, like and you're in it. My I mean, my cousin had a um fire. Luckily, it was in her garage, but it was from charging something. It was a charger plugged into something that exploded. And then when that happens and it happens on your mattress, and like, have you ever picked up your phone and it's been hot? Yeah. Or a computer, laptops, Wyatt had a laptop and it uh a laptop that caught on fire.

SPEAKER_01:

Um uh Tommy would sleep with it on his chest. A laptop plugged in on his chest. Sleeping away.

SPEAKER_00:

Which maybe like the laptop has fans in it, and so Wyatt would put it on his bed, and then it it cannot circulate air. Right. Therefore, it literally he was playing with it one day, and like the um keypad, like with your fingers, whatever, turned orange. Like you could see it, and the whole thing like melted and caught fire. The next thing about fires is and Nora is she hates it. She hates sleeping with her door closed, but like sleep with your door closed because it gives you at least a chance um of that room being blocked off if something happens in your kitchen, whatever the case may be, and you know, yeah, yeah, you're supposed to sleep with your door doors closed too. So I am like narcotic about some of that, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

That's like, hmm, interesting. Yeah. Now see, um I'm glad like the furnaces and stuff have become more advanced, so then they detect carbon monoxide and they're supposed to then stop, but the older ones don't. And um when I was young, we had um carbon monoxide poisoning in our house. Oh that's before. Uh-uh. Now um, I could have died. So oh, okay. So my my so my the realistically, the reason I am here today is because we had some neighbors or friends down the street or something. They had just had some carbon monoxide poisoning going on in their house. And the dad had, you know, her husband, whatever, he uh man of the house, he woke up and had massive headaches. And that is what all of a sudden made them realize there's something going on. Well, my dad happened to wake up with a really bad headache, which was not normal, but he didn't think about it at the moment. So he took something and went back to bed, and like a two hours later, he woke back up with a headache, and then he decided then he just thought about that guy. And so he um came in the room and I was already starting to turn blue. Oh yeah. So if he would have gone back to bed, you guys wouldn't be so lucky to hear my wonderful voice every day.

SPEAKER_00:

I know a couple episodes we talked about Tom and now you. I'm just so fortunate that we have both of you here for sure.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So we had, I mean, he had the ambulance came and everything. We had my mom and I had to go to the hospital to get some oxygen. Her and I were the ones who struggle the most. But um, yeah, so I've always I think that's why I'm just always paranoid about a lot of stuff. You know what I mean? Just when you're a kid, you're like, oh my gosh, like this is kind of like anything could happen. But my kids don't listen, so I don't know what to do. Because I tell them, stop plugging that in, you'll catch on fire.

SPEAKER_00:

I've even seen stories where families will go on vacation and then there's a carbon monoxide issue like at the hotel and all like that is freaking like portable ones. But a good rule of thumb is, and we're coming up on it um quickly. I think it's like November 2nd, but when the uh time changes, it's a good time, whether you're springing forward or falling back, change or check your batteries and your fire detectors and your carbon monoxide detectors. Like it's just a good habit to get into twice a year, check, you know, check and make sure everything's functioning properly.

SPEAKER_01:

Which I do try to do that, and I have my own carbon monoxide detector in my house. But I do know my furnaces are supposed to when it comes, if it happened, it's supposed to shut them off or whatever. But um, I still have one plugged in in my house.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I it's just and like I said, I think it's just you know, being around it my whole life. And you know, a couple weeks ago there were um a bunch of fire trucks and things on the on the yard. It hadn't rained in a long time, and everything is super, super dry. And somebody would decided to burn brush. And um things catch on fire when it's dry. The corn is there and the corn is dry, and and why it hurt it on the scanner. And um, shortly after, then I saw the blue lights, which hey, I'm giving I'm giving PSAs about fires, right? Blue lights. If you are driving and you see a blue light, that is a lot of times volunteer fire department, and you need to move over and get out of their way. So, and smaller towns that don't have 24-hour fire protection, um, volunteer firefighters, they have blue lights. So, a lot of people did not know that. So, I I I did not know that. Yeah, I got a lot of uh feedback and just little things like you you coming here to a small town, right? Like you see blue lights, but blue lights equals volunteer fire department, and that means get the hell out of the way. And you might not think it's that big of a deal until it's your house on fire and seconds can seriously, seconds can can matter or help. But anyway, we started to see some blue lights and why it's like, yeah, I heard there was a fire down the road, and we walk outside and it's like literally a quarter mile up the road, and the flames are taller than my house. And I'm like, holy shit, can fire jump the road? Because it's gonna happen. My whole house is gonna burn down. Like, here we are. Yeah. Also, check and make sure your insurance is up to date. I've gotten a letter in the mail that's like, we're gonna cancel your policy. You haven't paid. I'm like, that would be the time my house sketches on fire is when I don't have my house. Oh, yes, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

That's exactly when something's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00:

It's just all of the things that we are responsible for as adults taking care of is is a lot.

SPEAKER_01:

It is a lot.

SPEAKER_00:

So no wonder we're crazy. And controlling. And controlling.

SPEAKER_01:

Because we have to be. Hey, you know what? We just solved the whole problem. We have to be controlling. There is no issue. Right.

unknown:

That's a wrap.

SPEAKER_01:

I think though it's honest to God, I think especially women are tend to be more this way just because I mean, we do have to be. I mean, especially once you have kids, I think we just have their schedules and their appointments. And do they need to go to the doctor? Do they need to get their teeth cleaned? Do they need to, you know, what else has to be they gotta get their homework done? Do they what else do they have going on? You know, do they grow out of their underwear already?

SPEAKER_00:

I mean Because public service announcement, if shit goes wrong, it will be your fault. Yes. Whether you're here, there, or wherever. It ultimately is always mom's fault. Yes. You didn't. Yes. Okay, so we had a fiasco. There is a small, well, we thought was a small troll stealing clothes from my children. And it's really difficult, you know, having two separate households, like they spend time with me, they spend time with their dad, and Nora's cheerleading outfit disappeared into thin air. They also have a day of the month at school where they all wear colored shirts, their fake family day shirts disappeared. But I knew that the last weekend she was with her dad, I saw her pick up the cheerleading outfit and carry it out of my house. What happened after that moment? And and my memory served me correctly. She came back because she didn't get, she couldn't find or she forgot her bow. And I had it all laid out for her. And she walked out of my house with the cheerleading uniform and the bow. But no, it wasn't at her dad's, it was at my house. I lost it. Why don't I ever do laundry? I have the cheerleading uniform poofed into thin air, have no idea. I turned my house upside down. I cannot even tell you how many times. And I said, you know what? You're gonna have to talk to your coach and you're gonna have to say, I lost my cheerleading outfit. It's gone. Well, you know what she's gonna say, my mom lost my cheerleading outfit.

SPEAKER_02:

I know.

SPEAKER_00:

So she tells her coach, and her coach says, keep looking for it. And I'm like, Coach, I fucking looked for it. I've looked high and low and everywhere. I've torn my house apart, so much so that my mother helped me get caught up on my laundry because yes, it was a little out of control. But I went through all of it and I knew, I knew that I saw her carry that cheerleading outfit out of my house. Guess what? Two weeks later, two weeks later, she comes in. Oh my god, you're never gonna guess where we found my cheerleading outfit. Where? Dad's glove box.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00:

Why? And she goes, Well, I remember that I carried it out of your house. No fucking shit. I told you both numerous times that you carried that cheerleading costume or outfit uniform out of my house. Well, then we went to the store and dad didn't want it to fall out of the truck. So I opened the glove box and put it in there. I forgot. Really? Because I thought I was going freaking nuts trying to find so we have to be in control. That's the moral of the story. Because if we're not, and I, even though I knew that she carried that uniform out of the house, I still second guessed myself because I'm like, I don't freaking know. Maybe it is here. Maybe she carried it back in. Maybe no, I was I was right, but I still questioned myself and still had doubt and still tore my house apart numerous times. My house, my mom looked, I everyone looked for it. Ha ha, she forgot. She put it in the glove box. I'm like, well, is your Faith family shirt in there too? Because that's still missing. It was not. So we're still in in you know, search of a deep purple shirt with a cross on it.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00:

Encounters when anywhere it's ours.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But we have to be in control.

SPEAKER_01:

We do. We do. We just have to figure out ways to be less anxiety ridden from being in control. So how do we do that? Um well, we're supposed to delegate to other people some of these things so we don't have to be in control of everything. But that can't work because I can't do that. I know, I know. I'm terrible. Terrible at delegating. I'm not really probably the best person to ask, like, how do I stop being in control? Because as far as I'm concerned, it's the best thing you can do is be in control of everything. If I know, then I know it's done right. If I did that, it's gonna be cleaner than if you cleaned it. If I put this away, then I know I'll remember where it was placed because you won't remember where you put it. Like, that's just how it is at my house. My husband the other day, my husband cannot find our scissors. The kitchen scissors that goes like in the the butcher block one, you know what I mean? Those are the ones we always use like to cut meat and stuff like that with. They're gone. Poof. And he's a troll.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. My troll.

SPEAKER_01:

And he says, I can't find the scissors. And I said, Well, um, they were in the dishwasher last time that I had seen them because I had put dishes in there and they went in the dishwasher. And he goes, Well, I know, but and I know that they belong in this butcher block. And I said, Yes, they do. He goes, Well, then where are they? Out of the two people in this house. Again, it's your fault and you are supposed to find them. And I'm like, Out of the two people in this house, I'm not the one that puts stuff in the wrong place. That's a for sure. I said, So maybe you should check the other drawers. I don't need to check the other drawers because I know it belongs in this butcher block. I go, but the dishwasher's empty, which means you emptied it and you put them somewhere. You might want to look in a drawer. He still has not looked in drawers for them, and he we still don't know where the scissors are at. And this was it's been a week and a half, I think. Well I'm I'm now see, these are the things I'm letting go. He can find the scissors. I won't be controlling and go find them.

SPEAKER_00:

You're still somehow controlling the narrative of this situation. I don't know if you realize it or not, but you're controlling something.

SPEAKER_01:

It's the narrative of how this all plays out. Then at some point, you know I'm gonna go find the scissors and say, golly gee whiz, they were in this drawer.

SPEAKER_00:

You're gonna need them. Yes, you're gonna need them, and you go find them. I hey, scissors are one thing in my house. I I just bought a pack of like I think there was like six in there um for$5.99 at Ross because scissors disappear in my house, but it's because Nora likes to be creative or Nora's cutting tags off of her clothes, and Nora has a problem of putting shit back. Oh, everyone in my house has a problem of putting shit back.

SPEAKER_01:

That's the same, same. Same, same, same. And then when I go to look for my stuff, where's my stuff at? And none of them know where they put it either. So it's not like they even said they found a new home. I even said, if you found a new home and told me where the new home was at so I could go find them, totally fine. But when you just say I have absolutely no clue, but I'm the one who put them away, that drives me nuts. Like if you put them away, then where would you put them? Well, I don't know. Well, think about where you might have put them. Well, I don't know. Okay, well, maybe you should put a little thought in that. Sit quietly and just rack your brain and help me find my stuff that you misplaced. Drives me crazy. Drives me crazy. I know. But control is something that we all should work on to be better and find probably strategies. I'm sure there's a book out there we should be reading or listening to.

SPEAKER_00:

I probably have it on the shelf above our heads, but for me, for me, it's learning to trust that things can still turn out okay. And I think I learned this managing and managing um, you know, 160 people at one time is that like I was gonna go crazy if I didn't learn to delegate. And it might not be done exactly how we would want it done, or we would have done it ourselves, but did did someone die? Is it okay? And a lot of times that answer is still yes, like it's fine, everything turned out okay. Did we get to A to Z the same way that we would have if I would have done it myself? Probably not, but no one died, and like we're okay. So I also learned like part of my my feedback, and and you know, from a professional standpoint, but I've also used it in my personal life, is even if it didn't if even if it didn't happen exactly like you would have done it, you can, you know, you don't have to beat somebody up over it, but you can say something like, hey, it all worked out next time, or what I would have done is X, Y, and Z, but hey, it all worked out. And I feel like people are more receptive to that to than like you just did it wrong. Well, if it all worked out, you should you shouldn't say you did it wrong. I just like to suggest, like when they load the dishwasher, like, hey, you know what I do? I separate the silverware because it makes unloading it. And they're like, oh yeah, that's a really great idea. And then the next time everything's mixed matched and it pisses me off again. But you know, whatever.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, but see, if you told me that, I'd be like, bitch, I already load the dishwasher the right way, so get away from me.

SPEAKER_00:

See? No, we're all control freaks.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I will say, like, so my my daughter-in-law is like the most carefree, goes with the flow. Daniel, I don't think gets upset about anything. Everything is just like, oh yeah, sure. It's no big deal. I mean, if it was done that way, so who cares? And I don't think there'll ever be a day on this earth that I'll ever get there. But sometimes I do try when I'm trying to be better. I try to think of her spirit a little bit. But I think there are very few people like that in this world that can really over like day-to-day life things, can just be like whatever happens, happens, and I'm just gonna go with the flow every day. I think it's very rare.

SPEAKER_00:

It's a gift. I would love to be like that's what I was gonna say. I feel like you're either built that way or you're not, and we are not. And I would love to like incorporate things to be less like okay. Today wasn't exactly like I pictured, or like I thought it was gonna go down, but like it was okay. And I have a really, really, really hard time with that.

SPEAKER_01:

I do too. I struggle with it. Now, like, you know, when we talk about my husband with his brain injuries, I knew like when it came time for him to go driving again. I did put it in my head, play in the car will probably get banged up. Like, don't get upset. Like, if I was going to call me and was like, Oh, I wrecked it again or something. You know what I mean? Like, I kind of was like, prepared myself for that. So I'm like, okay, I won't like wait, where was he going? What was he doing? So after you have when you he you have a brain injury and you go into uh therapy, they have to do tests on you and whatever, and you have to get to the point that they can if they'll allow you to drive or not, which took a it's took a few months, you know. So you had to prepare yourself. I had to prepare myself for like, so I guess if you know you just ding it up or something or scratch it a little, like it's it's gonna be all right. It'll be all right. It's just money that I'll just have to fix it later, right? So don't worry about it. Those are the things I will say, at least when I have something where I could say it's not his fault, he's going through these things. I want him to feel confident that he's driving. It does help a little bit to for me to lose control, you know, not have so much control or I can relax some and say, just go with the flow. But that is the only time in my life I can go with the flow. Because otherwise, I'd be like, if you do not have a brain injury, sir, we would have a problem. Yeah. You know, if you're gonna he banged on something with our garage door, and so the garage door was like half up and down, you know what I mean? Like I'm like, oh, no big deal. You know what I mean? That's probably the only time in life I think I've ever experienced that whole whatever, no problem. Otherwise, that is not grateful. That is not yes, and that's helps because otherwise, every other day of my life I'm like, you're doing it wrong and stop doing it that way. Oh, he describes me when I work, so my desk sits in a core kind of a corner of the family room, so I can lean over to the left, kind of look around the corner and see what he's doing in the kitchen. And so his story every day is that that's all I do. I constantly stare at him to tell him what he's doing wrong. That's not where you put that. That's not, and I'm like, that's not really true. You ask me where to put it all the time. It's not that I'm really truly hounding him. But I mean, if I talk into him, yes, I do, I will see what if he picks something up and he's headed the wrong direction.

SPEAKER_00:

That's funny. Why is it that we're the only people in the house that like can find things too? Like, so somebody will be like, hey, do we have any whatever? And I'll be like, Yeah, in the refrigerator. Can't find it. Yep. Did you open your gosh damn eyes and look for it?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, have you seen there's a guy? I haven't seen him pop on my TikTok now in quite a while. I wish I knew his name because it was been a long time now. And he did where it was like a call center that a man could call in and say, Okay, dude, I'm staying from the refrigerator and I seriously can't find the ketchup. And then he's like, Okay, all right, no problem. Go ahead and get on FaceTime. We're gonna take a look with you. And then, like, several other men are like on there watching and they're scanning the refrigerator, trying to find it together.

SPEAKER_00:

There it is, dude. There, that's a business idea.

SPEAKER_01:

Isn't that awesome? I we found it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was it was hilarious because it did they do all these different things, but it's the truth. I mean, all the time you'd be like, okay, I'm looking in the pantry. Okay, look to the right. That's not your right. You're right, the other right, and then can you look down? Second shelf. That's not the second shelf. Okay. You're like, dear God, I'll just get up and get it for you.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm sure there are situations out there where it's the man. That's controlling. And maybe the wife can't. I think that roles can be reversed.

SPEAKER_01:

They can't. They can. They can. It's not as common, but they can.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

It's not near as common. That's why that guy had a TikTok thing showing that you could literally have a business helping men all day long find shit in their kitchen.

SPEAKER_00:

How do you feel about how do you feel about surprises?

SPEAKER_01:

Like what?

SPEAKER_00:

Someone surprising you. Throwing you a surprise party or surprising you with a vacation or surprising you with just surprises in general. Um I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm not a I'm not a party. Don't like I'm not a party person. Put the limelight on me, party persons. Like if you did a surprise, like my husband was very sweet and he did a surprise party for me after eight hours' heart attacks, and it was it was very sweet because I think he just wanted to do something for me. But it's it's not my thing for I don't like that much. Like, let's stare at Gina because it's all this is Gina's birthday or Gina. So that I'm it's not my thing. If you probably told me you were gonna go and take me on a trip, I mean I'd be excited. I mean, who the hell wants to want a trip? But then I would start thinking about well, when and can I really even do that? And then I'd probably say, What do I have everything I didn't need? I mean, like, seriously, when starting to do it. No, I don't like it again. I mean, do we get something? No, I don't like it. Now you want to surprise with some freaking flowers and chocolate or some shit. If you wouldn't give me the money and say, let's plan a vacation. I'm all for it. I'm all for it. Now I would like to do surprises. Like I've done a lot of surprises for Tom through the years, but I don't you don't need to do them back for me. Just that I'm good.

SPEAKER_00:

That's a point of contingent in my relationship because he's like, Well, I do try to surprise you, but it's never good enough, or it's not what you wanted, or you come up with 19 reasons, and I'm like, damn, I really am hard to love never satisfied.

SPEAKER_01:

I think, yeah, you know, you bringing this up. I'm yeah, no, I have to be in control of a lot of stuff. But it's also, I think, on one hand, I think that that can give people anxiety. And for me, it's how I control my anxiety. Yes. You know what I mean? So, like if you I have all these questions in my head. So unless you've answered them all and you know me well enough to say I'm taking you on a trip, but don't worry, and you've written out the list of all the things that I probably would ask you about, then we would be okay. I've already got your bags packed. I bought you some new jeans because I know you hate shopping. I've got you. Sunscreen is packed, you know what I mean? Like if you've got it all hooked up for me, I might double check your shit, but we would be good. Then I'd be like, sweet, let's go. Did you call my boss? Tell her I'm leaving. I would love that. Now, somebody wants to do that for me any day. Call her up and tell her I'm busy and need a couple days off. That'd be great. Yeah. But you better have a list of shit that all the questions I would have for you already answered.

SPEAKER_00:

And no one's gonna do that. No one's gonna take the initiative like that, I can tell you.

SPEAKER_01:

But if you love me, shouldn't you do that?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh yes.

SPEAKER_01:

I know. We gotta learn to let go. And if I was to give advice to other people, I'd tell them not to be controlling like me. But, you know, do as I say, not as I do. Isn't that what it is? Yes, do as I tell you. Don't be don't be controlling. Let things go. Go with the flow. It will be great. Think of every day as a new fun adventure.

SPEAKER_00:

A fairy tale in glory.

SPEAKER_01:

A therapist one time say you don't listen to your therapist, so do you even know if what you're saying is right.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, this and I and I did listen and I try. I don't always, I'm not always successful, but I try. Like, will this matter in five minutes? In tomorrow. Like will it matter? I think a lot of times I get so up in my feelings or whatever on on shit that doesn't matter. Yes. And that's what I want to work on is like not getting so like okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I think that's probably the best advice you could give, though, to anybody is to say to think about is this really that important? Is it or is it not? Before you open your mouth and act like a controlling crazy bitch.

SPEAKER_00:

If if this person was out of your life tomorrow and you never got another chance to talk, would them putting the scissors in the wrong drawer, the wrong would it be.

SPEAKER_01:

But I can tell you from a woman who almost lost her husband, yes, I still want my scissors really along. Fair. But it is true that you definitely start to you gotta you gotta learn, don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't cry over spilled perfume. You can't put it back in the bottle. Or is it spilled milk? Spilled perfume perfume. There's a song. A song. Yeah, it's an old song about crying over spilled perfume.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh. Well, you'll have to dig that one up for me and let me listen because I don't know what song you're talking about. But it is over spilled milk. Don't cry over spilled milk. It's true. You gotta be definitely, I think we gotta need to not take advantage, take take people for granted in our lives by worrying about stupid stuff that probably doesn't matter at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_00:

And I too am working on taking a deep breath and thinking about what flies out of my mouth when I fly off the handle. It's just like stopping before.

unknown:

Yep.

SPEAKER_01:

And that's why sometimes I think stepping away from a situation is intelligent because that will give you that moment to sometimes say, is this really that important? Do we really need to argue about this? In the grand scheme of things, it's probably not that big of a deal. No. No. The so the fork being in the wrong spot in the dishwasher, leave it alone.

SPEAKER_00:

I know. I was just glancing up because in our in our recording studio, I have a uh bookshelf of books. And based on our last couple of ed episodes um and different things, like the ones called Get Out of Your Head, um, one's um a midnight mom devotional. There's a didn't see that coming. Um, unfuck yourself. I think I probably need to I could read that one. I think that I buy these books with a best of intentions and then I put them on the shelf. But as I'm like staring, looking at this shelf as we're talking about control and some of these things, man, I should probably read some of them. Because there's probably some good, good shit in there that we could all Well, that's what I was just gonna say.

SPEAKER_01:

Why don't you read Unfuck Yourself and then that way you can tell us about it?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, I will. Or you're a badass, that one's up there down. Like, I don't know where I got half of these.

SPEAKER_01:

Like Well, somebody was telling you to get these books. Someone somewhere, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Or that I'll see that that's it's good and then I buy it and then I never freaking read it. But I think that I need to uh I need to read it. Hey, if you're not learning, you're dying. So I need to I need to pick some of these up and take a gander at them.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, as you say it, um, so am I uh so if you go up the by stairs to upstairs in my house, there's I have sayings on the walls. And the one I put in the bigger font in the middle is when Casey was in his mode of when he was, I don't know, he was probably around 20, 21, I don't know, something like that. And he would come home all jacked up a lot of times, wanting to talk. And one of the stupidest things he ever said, I mean, it's stupid and not, all that's all how you want to look at it. It was dumb to me at the moment. It made me laugh. And he said, You know what? If you ain't reading a book a day, you ain't even reading. That is on my wall. And it says, it says, if you ain't reading a book a day, you ain't eating been reading, philosopher Casey Owens.

SPEAKER_00:

And you don't read.

SPEAKER_01:

And I don't read. You don't read. I will listen sometimes, but I do I don't, I really I need to, and I it's it is something I'm going to work on though. I literally want to at least, I don't care if I don't read it because I don't, I'm better at being able to get other things done and listen to a book, but I at least want to do that. That's something I want to do.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, well, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna pick one and I'm gonna start. And if I like it, I'll I'll give it your way. Yeah, send it your way.

SPEAKER_01:

And then we can share because I think it's a good thing too. Some of these things that I feel like I also want to do because I think it would help that we can share them with people to let them know like what's good, you know. I don't want to book club, but I would like having like once in a while, like, hey, this book was really, really good. Definitely worth the read. And this is what I got out of it. Especially I like help books, things that help you with something or make you better. But um, if you do take one thing away from today, let it be this anxiety lies. It tells you that control equals safety, but peace actually lives in flexibility.

SPEAKER_00:

Huh. The next time your brain says you have to fix this, let's try saying, maybe I don't. You might be surprised how much calmer you feel when you stop fighting for control and start trusting yourself and those people around you. And if all else fails, remember your chaos is welcome here. Always. You're not alone in the anxious mom trenches. We're right here with you. And don't forget the Anxiety Ridden Moms Club, Mom Supporting Moms. We're available on Apple, Spotify, and please follow us at the ARMC on Facebook, TikTok, X, or Threads.

SPEAKER_01:

A good one. If no one's told you lately, let me be the one to say it. You're not failing, you're growing, you're not broken, you're becoming, and you're doing better than you think.

SPEAKER_00:

Thanks for being here today. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love if you'd subscribe, leave a review, or share it with another mom who might need to hear this. You can also connect with us on Facebook or TikTok at the ARMC. We'd love to hear your story.

SPEAKER_01:

Until next time, give yourself grace, breathe deep, and remember peace is possible.