The ARMC

Use Your Words, But Maybe Not In Aisle Five

• Kylie & Gina • Season 3 • Episode 2

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0:00 | 52:17

Welcome Back & Today’s Theme

SPEAKER_01

You're listening to the Anxiety Ridden Moms Club, the podcast for moms who love their kids deeply and still feel anxious, exhausted, and overstimulated.

SPEAKER_00

Here, we talk about the messy stuff, the thoughts we don't say out loud, the pressure to do it all, and the journey back to ourselves. Progress over perfection always. Let's go. Welcome back to the Anxiety Ridden Moms Club, the place where anxious moms come to breathe, unpack, and figure things out together.

Wanting Voice, Handling Backtalk

SPEAKER_01

I'm Kylie and I'm Gina. And today we're talking about something we say we want for our kids, but sometimes struggle with when it actually shows up. Using their voice. Because use your voice sounds empowering until your child uses it at the grocery store, in the car, at the school pickup, or in front of other adults.

SPEAKER_00

Or when it directly contradicts what you just said.

SPEAKER_01

Story of my life. Oh. So we want kids who think for themselves, right? We want them who aren't afraid to speak up or who don't just go along with things because they're scared.

SPEAKER_00

But opinions are loud, they slow things down, they require conversation when you're already overstimulated. And for anxious moms, unpredictability can feel really uncomfortable. Here's the thing: if kids only feel safe sharing their thoughts when it's convenient for us, they learn to stay quiet when it's not.

SPEAKER_01

Empowered voices aren't built in perfect moments. They're built when we pause and say, okay, tell me what you think.

SPEAKER_00

Even when you don't agree, even when you're tired, even when the boundary stays the same.

SPEAKER_01

So let's be clear. I mean, letting kids disagree does not mean letting kids run the house. Right?

SPEAKER_00

That is uh yes. That's very, very tricky. Letting them have their voices, but also be respectful.

SPEAKER_01

Which I think ultimately that's where we gotta have, you know, that that structure and guidance and boundaries. Cause um dis disagreeing doesn't mean that they're disrespecting you. And I think that's where a lot of people do tend to um mess things up. I I think even for um my generation, you disagreement could be definitely considered disrespect. And I don't think it's healthy for our kids to be worried that they can't say their opinions and their thoughts.

Disagreeing Versus Disrespect

SPEAKER_00

You know what I mean? Like it's a balancing act for sure. I mean, I feel like a lot of us learn that questioning adults was was rude.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um or that having a different opinion was back talking, which a very thin line because uh you want them to speak up. You want them to have their own opinions, but also it's like I'm not saying mom always knows best, but sometimes you just want them to do what they're supposed to do. What they're supposed to do. And act right. I feel like that's my that's that's my go-to lately is could we just act right? And they're like, what's right? What does right mean? Maybe this is just the way I am. I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_01

Like act I could well, here's the thing, I think is like even when your kids are little, obviously, is especially like um before they're even six years old, is when you implement a lot of your structure, right from wrong, morals, it it really, if you give all that to them, you hope that then later that they remember those lessons for one. But I also think sometimes it r what happens in your own home can be different because obviously that's where they're supposed to be themselves. But I always expect my kids, but when you go somewhere else, sometimes I might even talk it through. We're gonna go to the store. This is what's expected of you when you walk in the store, we're going to this person's house. This is what's expected to you of you when we go to this person's house. Your kids shouldn't act uh quite as comfortable everywhere else in the world as they do at home because like rabid raccoons or like ravishing through the cabinets and shit. Right. They probably, you know, keep their hands to themselves. Don't just touch everything because you're in somebody else's space. You know what I mean? And I but I think that ultimately I think that it comes down to where we have to have where they know the one thing about being at home is how safe it is. So if it's safe, I can tell you my thoughts, my opinions, even if it does disagree with you, as long as they understand disagreeing doesn't need to turn into them demanding something or being an argument. You know what I mean? Like I just because I tell you I don't agree with what you say doesn't mean we have to like fight about it. It's just like, let's maybe talk it out why you think this is right, wrong, or indifferent. And I just don't think a lot of kids feel like they have that at home. I think they think if they say, Well, I think your rule is dumb.

Home Expectations And Public Behavior

SPEAKER_00

I hear you. You're allowed to feel that way, but the answer is still no. Right. And sometimes that has to be what you sell. Yeah, I mean, yesterday is a perfect example. I told my 14-year-old to clean his room 752 times, and 752 times I got an answer back on why he couldn't do that right this second. I'm like, when your dad gets here to pick you up, I am going to barricade the doors and not let you go if your room is not picked up. Woo, woo, woo. I'm like, just go clean your room. Shut the hell up and clean your room. And it carried on for hours and hours and hours. And then I go, when he goes to his dad's, I go in his room and I was like, oh, he did pretty good. Go to open the closet.

SPEAKER_01

And he shoved everything. That was what I did.

The Room-Cleaning Standoff Story

SPEAKER_00

Everything. It's like, I can't even explain it. And I just wanted to scream at him. And I'm like, okay, he's gone. I'm not gonna deal with this right now. But when this kid gets home, oh man. He is a little back talker. He likes to back talk and tell me all of the things, little freaking know it all. So yes, you go from when they're when they're, you know, tiny, and I've got my my niece. It's like, use your words because they like to uh uh you use your words, what do you want to like just shut the fuck up and do what I said, please? Like parenting is tough. You're always driving this line of like, I want you to use your words, use your words to shut the fuck up. You're driving me fucking up a wall, just go clean your room. Oh, yes. I mean, we were like singing salt. I'm like, I don't want to hear another word out of your fucking mouth until your room is cleaned. And then like, like just go clean your room. I don't understand. So I threatened to take pictures and then like text him to his papa because I swear to God, that's the only person on this face of the planet he listens to. And then I'm like, okay, Monday, you're cleaning now the closet because now it's all shoved in the closet and it's an avalanche of the now. I gotta work, which is with my dad, and we've talked about that. So I'm gonna be like, no, he sorry, he can't go to work and make money when he can't be when there's a 12-pack of empty soda cans throughout scattered throughout his room. Like it's not, or now they're all in the fucking closet. But it is. I feel like this is just constant battle we go through, like, use your words, we want you to talk to like you're talking too much. They all get that from their dad. Because I don't feel like, like, with the exception of this podcast, like I'm relatively, especially now, like my old job, I had to talk and I had to like rattle, you know, rattle, heard the heard the cattle, whatever it is. But like I'm I'm a relatively quiet person. I kind of keep to myself and don't say a lot. These kids my grandpa used to say, rattle like the latch on a shit house door. Like, do not stop talking. Nora talks very, very quietly. That could summon herbs deal. I'm like, speak up! Speak up. Can't hear you. Two you can have two different kids copy and paste each other, or you can have two like mine that are night and freaking day, oil and white, completely freaking different. So it's just learning to parent them and then parent them both the way they both need to be parented.

SPEAKER_01

Like it's it's a lot. I think that's the thing is a lot of kids grow up and they they sit and they think, well, the rules were different. Seemed uh you were meaner to me and stricter with me than you were with them. Well, they listened. They did what they're doing. They're gonna be in jail. Like you can tell. You can tell which ones are gonna be animals and like which ones are yes, like and so you know if I didn't do those things, where would you be at today? So you you know what I mean. I do and uh even like as Casey's having growing his family, I'm like, you don't pick the personality that pops out, you don't pick anything. They come out and then you're like, oh dear.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I know. I know I was getting one like that. With Nora, she's the type of kid, and I say this, I don't mean that I beat my kids, but she is the type of kid, probably like me, copy and paste of me. You could beat her within an inch of her life, and like it doesn't fucking matter. Like, she's not going to, and I could always tell kind of with my little brother that he would always have his thoughts on maybe that my parenting wasn't like he would parent, or you could always just tell the thoughts running in his head, like you're really gonna let her act like this. And like, oh my, how the tables have turned. He's got one that's copy and pasted him, and he is a smart ass, and you can just see the smart, like when he walked in um Christmas Eve Mass with his little tie on and his hair done. You can just cross his forehead, just read smart ass. Like you just know. But he's a little emotional one too. So you can kind of, you know how you can kind of parent with the ones where you like they're they're savage, but you know how to, you know how to get them to listen because you can hit them in their emotions. Yes, yes. He's one that can dish it, but maybe can't take it so much. But yeah, no, um, nor if she's one that you could beat within an inch of her life and like she's gonna scream anyway. Like, there's a hellacious shopping trip that I'll never forget about. I don't know, like if she was three, but she literally for an hour screamed her head off. And like it gets to a point where you just give her what she wants because she's not gonna shut the hell up. And even now at 10, there are times you just give her what like I feel like I probably like cave into her or give her more because I know she'll make my life a living hell versus the other one. Like eventually I'll just he'll conform. I'll just say it enough and he'll finally do. But like with her, like I end up like caving in because she'll make my life a living hell. So it's so hard. Teach him how to speak up and yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think that's the thing. I think it it really does come down to where we want our kids to say what they think and feel so that they feel comfortable, but they have to know that there is a point of where it's disrespectful and then that there is a line that gets drawn no matter how you look at it. And I and I think in the process, the loud kids, um, which I never was, so I have siblings that have always been the louder ones, they know the more say what they want to say, don't really care. If somebody they feel something's wrong, they're gonna say it, and I would just sit there and just keep peace. You know, I would just wanted to be the peaceful little life. Yeah, that's not me. I didn't want to be. And I think in turn, um that the kids sometimes who scream the loudest, they get just like you said, she eventually then gets what she wants. And somebody who else you can get them to conform in a way, when you look at that kid, it starts to feel punished. And I felt that way a lot growing up. Like, okay, so if I was an ass, I mean, I win. Like, I don't believe in being an ass because I don't think that should that should be what should happen. And so it really bothered as a kid, it bothered me a lot. It made me feel like I was supposed to be more responsible, everybody. I was supposed to be the one that kept everybody in line, I was the one supposed to all these different things, and it kind of weighed a lot on me to be like the good kid, the responsible kid, the, you know what I mean? And it after a while it really wore on my nerves. Then when I had kids, I understood it more, but I definitely never wanted anybody to feel that it was going on. Everybody knew like Casey got in trouble more, and all my kids would tell you, because Casey deserved it.

unknown

Right.

SPEAKER_01

It wasn't like the rules were different for any kid. If you there, here's my line. If you cross it, you're gonna get in trouble. And if you don't, then you won't. And realistically, as long as we're talking, we I don't have a problem.

SPEAKER_00

I said the other day, I'm like, why does it take me losing my fucking mind for anyone to listen to me? And I do. I feel like that generally speaking, like my whole life, I feel like I have to lose my shit for people to be like, oh shit, she's seriously. And maybe that's because do I joke around too much or do I not take enough seriously that when like I don't know, like the banter, maybe because I am a smart ass, so the banter can go on for so long, but then like I'm like, no, I'm I'm being serious right now, right in this moment. Like, I need I don't I don't know. I don't know why that is, but like I feel like I have to lose my mind to get these people to listen.

Different Kids, Different Parenting

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And I think that's partial being a mom. I think that kids always, I don't know. I think they always feel like they can maybe push a line more with their moms than they can with their dads. Like dads, I think, are more set on that. This is how it is. When I tell you this, you do what you want to do. I will tell you that's not really true because that's not how it is at my house. That's not how it is at my house. My husband, all the time, he screams and yells, and they just roll their eyes and look at me and like and point, like especially my daughter, and then she'll take her thumb like an angle, like at him and like this guy. That's all she says all the time. Look at this guy. You know, or did you hear this guy? I mean, all over here is this guy. So if I were to say, and if I ever say to her, That's enough, that's enough. I've now I'm getting mad, she'll be in tears instantaneously. Because I don't, I don't, I really don't get I don't get mad. I mean, you have to push me to get mad. Like Casey even just this weekend brought up something about when he was younger or something, and that, you know, I told him, I said, Do you remember the game that we used to play called I Win? Because that's what I always say. I'd say, Oh, we're gonna play the game I win. Okay, good. I can't wait because I win. And then we would start wanting to aggravate the shit out of me. And the more you aggravate me, the more I'm gonna aggravate you. The more you tick me off, the more I'm gonna tick you off. I'm going to win. I don't care what level we get to, but I will win. We can get to level 10. I win. I need to start playing that game.

SPEAKER_00

Wyatt started. So we have I say we, but something I lost in the divorce was our Maltese Charlie, which is my ex-husband's like very, very best friend. He's like 15. And um, it's been around for a long time. Yeah. So with it being, you know, well while the kids were on break, Wyatt texts me. Thursday nights, they're normally come home at like 8, 8:30. Um, or they go to they go to Matt's for the evening and then they they come home. Well, over break, he texts me. He's like, Hey, can I stay at dad's tonight? Because I need to take care of char.

unknown

What?

SPEAKER_00

It's a 15-year-old dog, like, no, you need to come home. Well, and finally I just said, end of discussion. That's my new go-to. End of discussion. We're not we're not talking about it. Like, end of discussion. Right. And that was it. Then he asked to completely change, but that's like my line. My line is like, no, we're not talking about this anymore. It's not up for debate. But then there are, you know, I have brought this on myself because there are times what they they will debate me and then I just give in because it's easier to just give in. Like when they do things that are complete, you know, that they shouldn't do or whatever. And I'm like, I'm gonna take your phone away. I don't take the phone away because then my hell my life is hell trying to entertain them all the time because they don't have their points.

SPEAKER_01

Well, that's why I never grounded. I was but plus, yeah, Casey said, he goes, I think you might seriously need some therapy, mom, because that doesn't sound normal. But I told him I said, I said, you know what I always liked about when you acted up? And he's like, What I go, the fun it was to punish you. And he's like, I think that sounds like something's wrong with you.

SPEAKER_00

That you're a sociopath.

Quiet Kids, Loud Kids, Fairness

SPEAKER_01

I told I said, but it was because I came up with something creative and it would be so I could laugh through the whole thing because it would be so funny. Cause it really wasn't punishment. I need one time one time he pissed me off and I was like, Okay, I want you to take all the items in your in your room and I want you to move them to your brother's room. And he's like, What? I go, all your stuff that you all these things that you enjoy and you like, all this stuff in here, just move it to your brother's room. He might as well have it. And he's like, What? I had no intention to leave it in his brother's room. So I'm laughing the entire time, and he is mad moving it the whole time. He's so mad. And I just keep laughing. Once it's all moved, he comes to me and he goes, Okay, fine, it's all been moved. Now what? I go, now you can move it back. And he goes, Are you serious? And I'm like, Yeah. And I said, But the next time you won't get to move it back. And I will keep your favorite items and you will be your brothers. So it's up to you. But you can obey move it all back. He was so pissed because it took him a long time to move it all. So it took him a long time to move it all back. He was mad. It was so funny. See, I feel like mine would just flop on their bed and be like, I'm not doing it. Well, then I would start moving his shit. I will take it. Then I would really be like, I will take your favorite stuff. Like even my grandkids the other day came over and Easton broke one of these little this little thing. He broke this little, it's not a bat, not completely, but somewhat broke this little Christmas tree that spins around. And so my husband went over there and said, You know what I want to do? And he goes, Well, I go, I he goes, Oh, I know what your favorite toy is because I'm gonna come to your house and break it. So I think that see our kids know we will do it. At the end of the day, we will do it. If you push me, I will. I don't care. We had a friend who he took some game system and dropped off a second floor to this cement, like a like a something like an Xbox thing. His son bought it and he broke it. And I'm like, oh my god, those are like my favorite moments of parenting. Like that's just over you realize you may think you're in charge, but you're not. And the reality of it is it should never have gotten that far. And that's why I think my kids always knew if they got to that point, you you have been, you are the problem. I don't want to do anything. Like I didn't want to make him move his stuff, but I mean, it was funny. It was funny. But if he would have told me no, I would have just gone in his room. And I wouldn't have done it mad. I wouldn't start whipping it out, being angry. I'm not gonna be angry. That's fine. I'll just take your shit then. I mean, what what are they gonna what's is my I mean, I didn't my kids aren't gonna like try to start fighting me or something, so I'm not like too worried about it. Like the this is my house, these are my rules. You don't run it. I mean, I even told my daughter, I said, just so you know, because one of her friends isn't about, well, I'm 18, and that became the debate with our mom or something like that. And I said, I just am gonna forewarn you. When you're 18, I don't give a shit. You are not an adult. You don't pay the bills, I pay your bills, I pay for everything. You live in a nice house. You can't afford shit. So you are not an adult until you move out of my house and pay your own bills. And when you do, I will give you all the respect in the world. Until then, though, you do have to live by my rules, which aren't that many to begin with. I'm pretty easy to live with. So if I was you, I'd never say that to me.

SPEAKER_00

I might not be so easy to live with, but same concept. For the most part, I'm pretty good with the flow. Although, yeah. Christmas break was rough, man. There was some times I wanted to just beat him.

SPEAKER_01

I just wanted to beat him. But see, I think after you go through hard times like that, you gotta sometimes talk to them about it. Like after that all the heat the heat's gone on, then that's we say, hey, can we talk about this? Because we kind of had a rough Christmas. And I don't like having a rough Christmas. Do you? Nobody does. It wasn't rough.

SPEAKER_00

I just they we we had a great freaking holiday. It's the two of them together. Like, I can't obviously I don't want time to move any faster than it already is, but like they fight so bad. And like at some point it's gonna get to a point where like you guys are all you have. So like knock off the stupid shit. Um, and that's more or less like when I say just rough, it's just like the two of them together and not going to school and being together all the freaking time where they just go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and touching each other and pushing each other, and it's just like, oh my good lord, you two. Like, and again, it's just one day it's just gonna be the two of you, and you're gonna have to figure none of this stuff matters.

SPEAKER_01

But they, I mean, but I think that's stuff to talk about even after you have some time where, especially when kids sitting here off for a period of time and if they did a lot of that irritating of each other, just that reminder conversation of we are who we have. I mean, I always tell my kids that all the time. That's why you know, and my kids, I even always told them you're never responsible for each other. So, like if somebody's like screwing up their life, it doesn't make you have to come around and save them. That's not your kid, but it is your sibling. And I do expect you guys to be there to support each other, take care of each other, because nobody else will be there. And one day you're gonna lose us. And when you do, you'll you'll really need your sibling support because they're the only ones that totally understand how you feel to lose that parent. Nobody else does. Everybody understands it's a loss and they get it, but they don't feel what you feel. Right. You know, they don't know what went on at your house every day. They don't know the relationship that you had every day. So I mean, I just think it's and it's again, it's a way we show them to have a voice and talk about it. And sometimes they should talk about, well, I did that because she annoys me, and I did that because he annoys me. You know what I mean? Like, and just talk about it.

Why Moms Feel They Must “Lose It”

SPEAKER_00

Nora's other her new thing is it doesn't matter what happens. We're either both in trouble or I'm in trouble. It's never, it's never just Wyatt in trouble. I'm like, now I'm in trouble. Now what? Now you're trying to control him being solely in trouble. Like there's not like now we're gonna be able to do it. It would make her feel good. Now we're keeping the score on when it's just him in trouble. Literally, she says it all the time. It's not, it's never just him in trouble. It's either both of us need to shut up or I'm doing something wrong. And like, oh my God, I didn't now we're keeping score on how many times each other individually gets in trouble. Like that's just keep your hands to your damn selves and stay out of each other's rooms. It's not that difficult. And he just he gets that from his dad where they just like to poke at her and poke at her and poke at her, and then she loses her mind and acts crazy, and then she gets herself into trouble. Yeah, that's that's exactly right. And I've never really understood that either. I it used to drive me crazy with my ex-husband, is like, she's being quiet, she's doing her thing. Why do you have to come in and mess with her? Like, why do you have to come in and like whatever, you know, whatever it is. You have to come in and poke the bear. The bear is calm, the bear is doing her own thing. Like, why did you even go in there? The bear was being a good bear. And you poked the bear, and now we all have to pay for it. Like, well, why? Why?

SPEAKER_01

But yeah, you have you have those one kids that just everybody has one. There's always one. But I I think that's the thing about it is I think we have to worry. I think we have to always help them have their voice. I and the ones that are loud, try to help them to learn how to just bring the volume down. But then you have the ones that are don't talk, and you have to figure out how to get them to speak up. You know, everybody has all the challenges of those different personalities and how to get them to be talking and discussing, which is even why, like I tell you, even during rough times is a great time after things calm down to even talk about maybe they fought a lot or maybe this or that's going on. I think the more I don't think families talk enough to their kids.

SPEAKER_00

One one thousand percent. And we've had a couple of of late nights recently where, you know, she's coming in and she is opening up and she is talking to me and I am I am trying to listen. But then you can just you can tell her anxiety is like flaring up too, because there's some things that I'll be like, you know, we'll we'll talk about over and over and over again. And she's like, but I my mind won't stop talking. My mind won't, I can't stop thinking about it. And I'm like, you just have to let it go. And she's like, I don't know how. Um and those are things that we're gonna, you know, talk to a therapist about, but just getting, you know, her mind to quiet down because I can already see my anxious ways kind of kind of in her.

SPEAKER_01

And and that's you know, and that's why like even, you know, the more you heal and take care of yourself, one, you can teach her things to help you, um, but two, she'll see that you're doing it and she'll just she'll realize she can do it. You know what I mean? And hopefully that can help her to lower down her her voice to be calmer, more relaxed, and not probably so reactive. She's probably a much more reactive person, you know what I mean? And um I think it'll be it'll be good for her. I I I'm I'm looking forward to 2026 for Nora. You know what?

SPEAKER_00

Me too.

SPEAKER_01

I am. I think that it's gonna be it'll be a good thing.

SPEAKER_00

It's just knowing, yeah. There sometimes she uses, I feel like with her family, with the people that she's closest with, she has no problem using her voice. Um But in the outside world, she's just feeling very insecure at the moment. And we've gotta work on that and um make her confident in in who she is. Because even even the best things about Nora, people have made her feel are bad. And like whether that's jealousy, I don't know. Um but like the things that she loves, like she loves to read. And then at school they were making fun of her saying, Do you even read? Because you get through them so fast. She's like, What? Like, you you didn't even read that because she can read three times as many books as someone else, and like, oh, now they're telling her that she doesn't didn't actually read it or tell us what it's about because we don't think you and like they take things that she's like genuinely enjoyed and like make them bad. And I don't I don't get it. So we're we're honestly to a point with her where we're considering changing schools just because we I think it's time for maybe a change.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, well, I mean, here's the thing about it just even like with stuff we're talking about in general to help you know our own kids and and for me, even going into the next generation of grandkids, but like I I would hope that other it would be nice if some of the parents, even with kids that are like that, maybe listen and they would maybe, you know, realize that the kids that are sitting around worried about that stuff, they have their own set of issues and problems in their own minds that they have to to deal with. You know what I mean?

Boundaries, Consequences, And Consistency

SPEAKER_00

I feel like um deflecting some of their insecurities on you, but she's just not emotionally intelligent enough yet at her age to see that like it just breaks her heart, it just like tears her up inside.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, she doesn't understand why they're doing it, and which is understandable because why would somebody do that or or care or feel good about taking other people down? But truly, I've never known a person with good intentions and good heart that does that. And so the kids who do have other issues that they're battling. It doesn't really mean they're bad kids or horrible kids or anything. It just means that they have their own problems and issues that they need to be working on and their parents should be spending the time with them. I mean, you should know if you feel like I don't know, I guess my kids talk to me enough that I kind of know what kind of person they are. I know if they were gonna be an ass, what kind of an ass they they would be. You know what I mean? Like I just I I know they they probably tell me too many stories sometimes. So then I'm just like, okay, I know. Like if somebody was to say, Did you know that your son or your daughter did such and such, I would be able to say, if I know for sure if that's a true statement or not, because they tell me anything that they say or did.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

No, and I mean I've encountered some parents that like really want to know and they want to care and they want to be involved. And like I love that, but like at the same time, like kids will be kids.

SPEAKER_01

But and those kids too, it's not just punishing them or taking their phone away, is not fixing the problem. And I think it's sometimes what the problem is, those parents are like, Well, I'm gonna punish them then. Okay, and then they'll be back at it next week because the punishment doesn't really most kids just think it's stupid. And I think punishing now, even my daughter talks about it. He she comes home and she's like, Oh my god, yeah, this friend, she was grounded last week for such and such. And I'm like, Well, what would you do if I grounded that grounded you for that? And she's like, I wouldn't listen to all that. That's ridiculous. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, okay. I told her I said that. Well, first off, if I ever did ground you, uh, you would listen to it because I'm not gonna, but I said, I just don't, I don't do that. I'm like you. That's where I guess I'm lazy. I'm not punishing you because it punishes me. I'd rather come up with something unique and different that makes a bigger point that at least I enjoy, not something that I am miserable in. But it's a lot where these kids are like grounded and that doesn't stop them. It never has stopped any of the kids. And I don't know. It's just I feel like I had a more control in a way with my kids of like knowing what was going on and helping them because they we did talk. And the other kids that were getting grounded weren't talking to their parents and telling them anything. They were more about being secretive or giving half-truths, you know what I mean? And then those parents that so they have bigger problems. So, I mean, that's a reality. I mean, her those kids, unfortunately, they have bigger problems, and I understand why she doesn't see that, but truth be told, they have insecurities like she has no idea. No idea.

SPEAKER_00

And the internet makes it uh very easy to be that way. Very easy, very easy to be that way. And they have like secret accounts and other accounts, and I'm like, I can't keep up. I can't keep up, which shout out. We get a lot of attention from fifth grade girls on our ARMC account. And and so I will, I'm to the point where I send it to Nora and I'm like, they're thinking about you, too. Like, don't you worry, because she's just to the point where and she's had a best friend for all of these years, and at some point people grow apart, and she's just like, I don't have a best friend, and she feels kind of lost because a lot of them have you know best friends and groups and stuff, yeah. And so she just feels kind of left out and kind of lost and doesn't know. And that's where I'm like, I'll be the best friend you've ever had, like I promise, but like I'm still your mom.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um, and that's kind of just our struggle right now is just her knowing her worth.

SPEAKER_01

Like, I want her to like she's but just having the biggest group of so-called friends doesn't really mean that your your worth is any different. It's just not so much.

SPEAKER_00

She had somebody saved in her phone as little little leprechaun, and I was like, Who is it? And she's like, That's so-and-so, and they've got red hair. And I told her, I said, redheads are the best friends to have. I said, I have two of my very best friends, they're both redheads. I said, So pick you a redhead out, and you guys will go far. That's just but yeah, that's just kind of where she's at, is where everybody's kind of like paired up and she just feels kind of left out, and um it's not the worst place to be. And you're you're fucking in fifth grade. You don't know who you are, who you want to be. And that's what I keep telling her. Like, once you get to high school, that's when I feel like separation kind of really happens. Like you have your sports kids and you have your stoners and you have your theater people, and you I'm like, then you find your people. Now I was kind of like, I love all people. Yeah, I was too.

SPEAKER_01

I liked everybody.

SPEAKER_00

I want to hang out with the stoners and get stoned. I will. If I want to play basketball, I will. Like, and so, but that can be lonely too, because you have a lot.

SPEAKER_01

Um, but do you have you don't have that you don't have that close knit of like these are my people.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. And so I try to tell her, like, this is just a small blip of like of life. And it's gonna get so much more than that, and it's gonna be so much, you know, like I was like, I can I can tell you the meme girls, and I can tell you where they are in life right now.

SPEAKER_01

And like that's what I have always said.

SPEAKER_00

Um I can't the ones that call you fat, they will be fat. Mark my fucking words. The ones that call you fat will be the fat and miserable ones. Mark my words, kids. And she's just like, oh my god. And she's just like, Will you just stop? I'm just I'm just saying it's true.

SPEAKER_01

It's the truth. It's just like, you know, the these coolest kids, they're so cool. Everybody looks up to them and then look and see what they're doing later in life. Because a lot of them didn't have direction because they were too busy being cool in high school and they didn't really truly put their efforts where they should, and understand it's life's not all about being the coolest kid in school.

SPEAKER_00

And we've talked about those people in your life for a season.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

She's like, well, because one of the little people called her annoying, and she's like, Well, I wasn't annoying when I took you here and here and here and here and here. And I'm like, Right. We need to be less violent and just it is what it is. These people are best friends for a season in your life for a season. It's okay moving on. But when you're a little person, it's just it feels so heavy. And when I try to make it light, then I'm not taking it serious enough. And you're not hearing me or you're not understanding. And it's like, no, I'm just trying, there's a big old world out there, and this is just a small snippet.

Siblings, Conflict, And Long-Term Bonds

SPEAKER_01

It is a really small and it does, but you know, I sit back and I think back when I was young and like where I thought I'd be, and life is not what you think it's gonna be. And then even when you see people and they have, I don't know, they have their illnesses or different things in their life didn't go so well, when you're younger, you're like, that'll never be me. And you just don't understand that life is full of all sorts of different curveballs and you don't know what's gonna happen. And so all these kids in high school are so incredibly meaningless. I mean, they're they're good as far as friends and and enjoying some time and all that, but I mean, as far as like the ones who are wanting to cut anybody down or bully anybody, they're really meaningless. Just because we you look them up in ten years and see where they're at and what they're doing. And maybe some of them will change. That's the hopes. Some of them put their head out of their ass and realize that there's no reason to be that way. Because that's the thing. Everybody wants, we want their goal here is to get their kids to speak up and and be, you know, say what they have to say, not to be mean, hateful asses.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, there were some on TikTok mocking a podcast, and I was like, shot, I think they're giving us a shout out here. I think they're making fun of us. And I kind of like it. Any attention, in my opinion, is good attention. So you wanna you wanna mock me? Bring it on because you're not signing my paycheck, you're not paying my bills. And you're in fifth grade. I'm not scared.

SPEAKER_01

Mock me all day long. Right. And that's what you have to realize. That's for all ages. I mean, as we even people, if they're, you know, as you get older, you still always have those those people in your life. Always. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's okay. I mean, at the end of the day, it's kind of like, you know, if I I've made fun of plenty of things in my life too, you know, like there's things that you're just we make fun of everybody as we listen to. So I mean, you know, it's that's no problem. And I that's what I think you have to realize. It's like it's okay. There's people she's probably, you know, chuckled to herself about or thought about was funny or whatever. It's human nature to some degree, but I just think everybody needs to teach their kids to find ways to do some more positive, spend more of our energy positively than in all those other negative manners. And when they come to you to talk about things that they disagree with or don't like or have a problem with, that they can come with you with integrity and discussions, not attitude. Attitude. I mean, that's a big difference. You know, that's what we talk about, you know, disrespect. It doesn't take much to go from disagreeing to disrespectful. There's a that line's pretty thin. So I think it's about helping our kids to to make all that happen so that we can all be and helping them feel voices too.

SPEAKER_00

Because I'm I mean, when people throw these things, you know, Nora, for example, when people make fun of this, I'm like, make fun of something back. Right. That's one thing I love about your daughter is like there's not a she is quick, quick witted man. Yeah, I wish she had that. Yeah, she will fire back. I'm like the one who texts you three hours later. I'm like, I should have said. Whoa, I would have really been a mic drop if I would have said this. But like, and sometimes I am quick witted.

SPEAKER_01

But not like, not like Yeah, I'm not, I'm nothing. My daughter is like my husband. He he's like, seriously, vroom! I mean, it just flies off his mouth. I'm like, man, that was good. I wish I could do that.

SPEAKER_00

And Nora ain't like that to me, but like when these people are picking on you, and that's what when we talk about switching schools, my guys like, I don't think that's the answer. Like, stand up to them. That's easier said than done, for one. But like, if I say something to her, she fires back so quick. And I'm like, fire something back, my girl. Like, all you have to do once is like all you have to do is make something. I read the book too fast, you dyslexic, bro, and walk away. I was like, but just don't care. And that's what I'm like, and she's like, you keep saying don't care, but I don't know how to not care. And I'm like, oh, you get that from me too. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But yeah, no, she's so quick witted. And I really do think if she would start firing some quick things, like she was they were making fun of where like her dad lived. And I'm like, bro, her uncle lived a street over his entire life. What are you like these little fuckers are coming up with the dumbest things? And I want to retaliate. And I'm like, I'll I'll I'll line you up with some comebacks and be like, dude, I live next door to your mom. What are you talking about? Right. Even if you don't live next door to her mom, just fire some of this stuff back and get them to shut the hell up. And then I'm like, we're just punch them in the nose. And violence isn't the answer either.

Anxiety, Quick Wit, And School Confidence

SPEAKER_01

But I'm to the point, you know, like well, you know, there's a lot of people, that's why they're talking about stuff like that. About, you know, if your kid comes to my kid and doesn't know how to keep their mouth shut, I taught my kid how to punch your kid in the face. You know what I mean? And to some degree, it's it is true. There are kids that unfortunately have gotten to the point to where they don't they don't get it, and then until somebody does slam them as hard as they can, whether it's verbally or physically or whatever, which is what we'd hope it would never happen. But some of this, like um, you know, ever participation trophies, um, nobody really we need to put you in a little time out and just be quiet for 15 minutes. That shit does not work. It does not raise good people, it raises assholes. That's why we have assholes today. At the ultimately, there's a time and place for that. I'm not all about beating kids at all in any way, shape, or form, but your kids should have some sort of a fear of you. And if they don't have some form of like, which is which is a fear of they don't want to be have disrespect you because there's a fear of punishment of whatever it is that doesn't, you know, I know some people take that right into well, I mean it's gonna smack my kid with a belt, and I don't, I don't think anything, I don't feel anything about doing those kinds of things, but those typical like timeouts, let your kids feel their emotions and act like an ass for an hour screaming their no, like that's not how that's not how you create good people, and that all these people that are asses now to kids and the the bullying that goes on, and I know the internet's made it worse, but also the parenting has made it worse because everybody is too toddling of their kids to believe that they can do whatever. There's a guy that I listen to a lot of times. He does parenting, I can't even think about the top of my head. I don't have it and I wasn't even thinking about it, but he actually had this lady, and she was even talking about this kid was in a grocery store. The kid's probably three or probably four years old or something like that, laying on the floor, screaming his head off. And the mom was just standing there, waiting it out. And this lady was like a counselor saying how this is the greatest thing to do. She's just allowing him to feel what he wants to feel. Um, no. So immediately after it was all done, I was so glad when he got there. He's like, and you don't do that. He's like, That's how you raise assholes. Like, that's not how you raise good people who understand that there's consequences in life. And it's kind of like I told my my kids even growing up, rules we have rules. Rules our entire life. So if you think that like leaving here makes you have no rules ever, that's just not true. We always live with rules. And where there's rules, you have a better life. You know what I mean? So these kids are just, I don't know, they're assholes, and it's it's parenting is a problem. Gentle parenting gentle parenting is a bunch of shit. I will never agree with it. Anyone who has to believe in it, I'm probably not your person to talk to about how to parent, because I would tell you, hell to the no. I'm not timeouts, yes, there's time and place. And I've done the you're gonna sit on this couch and sit there and think about it and whatever. I've done that, but I don't have like the timeout chair. The stick your nose in a corner pisses me off. I think that's mean and hateful, actually. I think it's worse.

SPEAKER_00

I've stuck my nose in the corner before.

SPEAKER_01

No, I don't like that shit. I'd find that humiliating to stand in the corner. But I but I think that's we'll go stand in the corner. See, I find it humiliating. I'd be humiliated, I think if somebody did to me. If you're all watching me and I'm standing in the corner and I just I don't know. I don't like it. I don't like anything about gentle parenting, though. Almost nothing about it.

SPEAKER_00

My dad used to be the one that's stand with your nose in the corner. He used to make us do that.

SPEAKER_01

Oh I hate that. I don't know if that's so gentle. No, I think it's humiliating, it's to humiliate you for what you just did to make an ass to make an ass of, yeah. Yeah. Who the fuck wants to stay?

SPEAKER_00

Whatever worked. And that's I wouldn't, I'm I'm probably more like gentle parenting with the right. Now, if she was throwing a fit in the store, like I said previously, like there, like it doesn't matter. She's going to throw this fit, but I would at least remove her from the situation and be like, like, there were times where she would throw a fit and I would stand in the parking lot and let her do her thing in the car because I'm like, I can't hear this anymore. Like she won't stop. She's not going to fucking stop. You can peer into an inch of her life, it won't fucking matter. Like you'll have the ones that you can spank with a belt and they'll never do it again. You can have the ones that you spank with the belt and they look at you and say, didn't hurt.

SPEAKER_01

Right. That's why I say I think every pa every kid needs a different parenting style. But there are certain things that should never be tolerated. Like if your kids throwing up in a store, that's fine. You know, I'm not, you should remove your kid from the store.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. You know, I mean, they should just know we're done. Nora was petrified because we were on vacation one time and um still to this day we'll be like, you need to go to the truck. Because my dad would be like, if you we go, if we have to go to the truck, I'm taking you to the truck. So we're like, you need to go to Papa's truck. She'll still be like, No. I don't mean so.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, because there has to be some sort. That's why I say there has to be some sort of that you know there's a consequence to that. You know, even if that consequence is you're gonna go home and stand on your nose in the corner. There has to be a consequence to it. Not just they just want to feel their feelings and I'm gonna let them just sit there and in the middle of a store is no. No. My kids knew you don't don't do that, you don't do that in a store. No, I never ever once had a kid doing that in a store. If I did remove them.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I had a oh my god, I was judged on vacation one time because my kid darted out of the store, like literally screaming her fucking head off, and I couldn't buy, and she was literally there like she's in the parking, and I'm like, You saw me standing here with her, you saw her take off. What did I do so raw? Like, that's second when I tell you anything. Just she's a little Sour Patch kid. She's just as sour as she is. Sweet. She's my and I do feel like, you know, talking about the ref year that she's had, like, there have been parents that I have reached out to that are they they want to know, they want to make it right, they want to, you know, make everybody get along. So there are some good parents out there, and I'm not I'm not bashing or saying anything about that. And it's not just isolated to one person, it's just not, it's just not my girls here, and we're we're running.

SPEAKER_01

And I I would just say I would challenge a lot of parents to just be talking and spending more time with your kids and engaged. And I think a lot of times that's where a lot of times mean kids don't have that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

They don't have enough quality time with their parents and spending that one-on-one play games, go do something fun. Oh, in fact, you know what? How's your Christmas? Did you have fun with your kids at Christmas?

SPEAKER_00

We had so much fun at Christmas.

SPEAKER_01

Did you?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Playing games.

SPEAKER_00

We we haven't played just because it gets so freaking heated. We haven't played Uno lately.

SPEAKER_02

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00

Um, but I I'm trying to find, I really want a Bopet. Did you guys ever I've never played, but I know what you're talking about. Freaking love Bopet. And so I've been I've been searching for a Bopet. But no, we had um we had a great holiday. It was polar opposite of one year ago when you know I felt like my whole life was falling apart. But um no, we had a we had a really good break. So that's awesome. Glad to get back at it and have some more stuff.

SPEAKER_01

Have some fun. Yeah, and get some more come up with some more games and everything for the kids.

SPEAKER_00

We did have some snowball fights, like nobody's business. Now my kids might I'm not saying that they're they're too old because obviously I'm 36 and I had one hell of a snowball fight, but we had one hell of a snowball fight. And then um, for New Year's Eve, we were at my parents, and it was my nephews that are like, Aunt Kylie, can we have a snowball fight? Because they like pounding me in the face with snowballs. And like two of them play like traveling baseball, and they can throw. And so the base or the snowballs that my mom bought have lights in them that they light up when you throw them. So there's like this little plastic thing. Yeah. Man, they would nail me right in the face. And if that plastic would get me like right where it would freaking hurt. Um, but there were some definitely some some good memories made with with snowball fights.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So we had to. Well, my my grandson even told me the other day he said he's like, Oh, Mimi, I got you in the face. I can't wait till we play it again.

Bullying, Insecurities, And Parent Roles

SPEAKER_00

I get you again. My little brother, the or the littlest one, she um she would collect the snowballs and and give them to me. But yeah, they yeah, they had the best time just yeah, nothing. And then didn't you do a nerf gun fight? Oh, yeah. Then we my mom bought um all of the kids' gel nerf guns. And so since it was like 70 degrees outside, it was like bizarre. Um, but now we're on the hunt for some more automatic Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So some of them you had to like pump up every single time and shoot. And it was so funny because then we got to the point where you know, we split them up in teams, and then each team would get like if you had an automatic last time, now you get a manual, and vice versa. And then we got to the point where we would hide a flag. And so we're like, don't shoot anyone until you find the flag. And then if you get shot while you have the flag, you have to drop it, yada yada yada. So we hide the flag and then it would be quiet and you would you wouldn't hear anything. And then when they found the flag, you would just hear and it was it was freaking hilarious. So shout out to uh Mimi for the gel nerf guns. Now we're all I'm pretty sure my little brother bought himself um an automatic gel gel gun for the next awesome.

SPEAKER_01

But we had yeah, we had to do that. And see, that's and that's where I I just think a lot of the stuff stems from starting all those kinds of things.

SPEAKER_00

Talking to everybody in good times without freaking phones.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, you know, and sometimes I even hate it because I do think we need to put the phones down. Gary V, in fact, talks about that that they're gonna start having that he believes they're gonna start having restaurants where you actually put your phone like in a lockbox kind of thing when you get there to force people to not have phones. And he thinks it's gonna become like this desirable thing to do. And I I think that we do phones are in our hands way too much, especially around our kids.

SPEAKER_00

I would love nothing more than a vacation with no service, like to just go. But it's also hard, and especially like on this journey with the podcast, is like everything is also content. And so it's hard because you want to post relatable stuff and you want people to see your life. But like also, like I looked at Christmas Eve, I was like, oh my God, I don't have any.

SPEAKER_01

I'm really bad. That's true, is I don't have any of the pictures ever because we're too busy. Yeah, but then I am always like, but at the end of the day, to me, I always feel like what's most important is the memories that are uh being given to my kids, my grandkids, and um nieces, nephews, all that stuff to where it doesn't matter. They all have a picture of it in their brain every day, and that is more important than the picture on paper. And you just feel I just feel like I really wanted a little bit of a video of it this year, and then we didn't get one, but I mean, it's just it gets so crazy, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00

And it's so we need to start doing like before and after.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, like a yes, yeah, or you gotta almost appoint somebody who you know is not gonna probably throw the snowballs to say, could you just take a short video of watching it for you know?

SPEAKER_00

I even I even got on my mom though, because she like even like as far as like opening gifts, like she was passing them out the whole time and so didn't actually get to see anybody like open it too. So I was like, next year let me pass them out, and then you can pay more attention because she's like, Did so-and-so like this or did so and so I'm like, Oh my god, they loved it, it was their favorite thing. Which was funny because I um I got my people that I bought for um robes, and so I keep getting pictures of them in their robes. Yeah, just freaking love their love their robes. It's so much fun. But no, it was uh yeah, no, it's just tough because you want you want your memories and you want it captured, but then at the same time, like sometimes you gotta have it. And I even I even get that like on vacation and stuff, like you can get so involved in like of like recording the moment that you missed the whole moment. Like we've talked about like how many times I'll be watching TV and I'll have to start the show over like seven times because I started scrolling and didn't even like yep. And so it's it's definitely a balancing act. And I feel like COVID didn't help that, like menus being QR codes.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, yeah, everything's become just like forces your phone in your hand. But I think that's I think it's about having those just even blips of times or blips of like a short vacations that you just say, phones, you know, you will hate we gonna get up in the morning and everybody can get on their phone for a little bit, but then we're gonna have a day full of stuff we're not with our phones. And then in the evening, we're gonna get back on because we're just relaxed and chilling. You know what I mean? I even think that's like a nice just to get a break in that you actually force everybody to hang out, not just look at their phones. And realistically, if you go out, um just go out in places where people are hanging with people and see how much people are ignoring everybody and they're just glued to their phone. And it's kind of sad, actually. I mean, people need to be engaged and spending time with their kids and just like going back to this conversation that we're having about this whole thing in them their voice, you're never gonna have a voice with somebody that you don't feel connected to, anyways. You're never gonna have a parent that you feel like I really am connected to my parent, I can tell them anything if you never have fun moments. It's okay that you know that your your parents ultimately are are the ones who discipline you, but you have to, but if they don't ever stop and say, We're gonna have a good time and have some fun and engage, we're gonna talk about all these things, we're gonna do that, and all you ever do is just stare at your phones, or you know what I mean? It it changes all that dynamic. And then kids don't get to find their voice.

SPEAKER_00

And we want them to find their voice. Raising kids who use their voice means tolerating discomfort for us parents.

SPEAKER_01

Yep. It means listening when it would be easier to shut things down.

SPEAKER_00

It means teaching kids that they don't have to be silent to be loved, and teaching ourselves that disagreement isn't danger.

SPEAKER_01

You're not raising a difficult child.

SPEAKER_00

You're raising a child who knows themselves, and that matters. Thanks for being a part of this village. If this episode resonated with you, share it with a mom who's navigating the same thing.

SPEAKER_01

We'll see you next time, right here at the Anxiety Ridden Moms Club. And empowered moms, we're learning right alongside them.

SPEAKER_00

You're not doing this wrong. You're doing it intentionally, and that matters.

SPEAKER_01

Thanks for spending time with us.

SPEAKER_00

Take what you need, leave what you don't, and be gentle with yourself. And if you want to stay connected, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok at the ARMC. And remember, you're not broken, you're becoming.